While it may not be a post containing such wonders as discussion on how to annoy a lady of the evening by refusing her advances, or those pictures used for blackmailing your boss, it does none the less bring up something which doesn’t actually get old for some reason, and yes I’m afraid it’s game related.

GTA 4 came out some time ago, much the amazement and torment of people across the globe, and with it came all sorts of bizzare and downright funny goodies, such as this fine piece of TV making, which more often than not gets missed inbetween all the car driving, shooting, swearing and other safe for kids entertainment we’ve all come to expect and love.

I present to you for your consideration; something from Rockstar which should somehow get a stint on real TV….

Considering what’s on TV these days, I’m amazed there was never a series…..

Given the fact that I’ve been missing, presumed dead after all this time, with only choice nuggets of news here and there, it seems rather appropriate that the next post I actually do write, contains scenes of horror, woe and tips on how not to get your brains eaten. No, it doesn’t involve doing your taxes.

“Paul, you magnificent bas****d!” I hear you cry, “how can I get through life without worrying about writing “Oh boy, was I suckered?” with my intestines while some cheery fellow munches away on that brain I was saving for a rainy day, what we can do about it?” Well my friends, I’m proud to be informing you of a way to find out.

Now, I first learned of this bunch of vagabonds from a copy of SFX in the UK, and because it sounded so bizarre, twisted, and yet still better than the Best Of Chris Moyles on Radio 1 podcast, I started to download them and listen.

And by jove I’m glad I did. I even remarked on the thing on the twitter feed, and you all know how lazy I am to do that sort of thing these days….

What makes it worse or better, is that the whole thing also spawned a tie-in book that is being launched nationally by Allison & Busby on 1st August this year: Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary : The A-Z Guide to Staying Alive. Better than getting another bloody book on how to cook food from Asda in overly-difficult and possibly life-threatening ways by the Smith of Delia….

How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse : RELOADED (not that crap Matrix reloaded rubbish so no worries there) presents us with an interesting question. How to make a second show that actually is not only better than the first which debuted at the Edinburgh Fringe last year, but also doesn’t infringe copyright law?

Well not the last bit (and that was waiting for a done to death joke), but the first part is a good question. It has to be not only educational but follow simple sequel rules like not having those slow walking away from explosion moments, not have a script smelling like a used nappy, remember it’s core values and still only work with a budget of £17.40.

This year I reckon they can. So do they, hence the show!

You see, not only will you learn how to survive the inevitable fight to the death with a select bunch of friends, knowing one of them will get infected at some point, you will actually get the chance to find out how prepared you are…..cue scary organ music in your head as this is text and thus silent.

Now if they could only come with with a tagline better than “Who says sequels are a bad thing?” or “Brain Destruction Guaranteed.”

How about “Buy one get one free” or “This time, the badgers are rising….” Zombie Badgers, we’d all be in trouble then. Maybe that’s one for the next show; “How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse: That one which is miles better than Scary Movie”

So I say to you fellow campers out there on t’internet, if you are around bonnie Scotland at any point you can get tickets to the show which will be on at the Zoo Southside 6th – 29th August (not 17th & 24th, not sure why, maybe they are just wasting time eating KFC) with the show kicking off at 7.45pm

Pricing is £8 or £6 depending on how you look and of course how could I not be a shameless promoter without mentioning the website: www.howtosurviveazombieapocalypse.co.uk Go there and all your answers shall be revealed.

Oh and in case you’re wondering, yes I am a sell-out whore.

Dr. Dale promised me a ice lolly for this and who am I to turn such a thing down. Look, I’ve already know we fat people are the first to go when the zombies come, so eff it, I’m getting some while the goings good!

Suffice it to say I’ve been a busy little bee recently and therefore this poor old portal has again felt like an ugly woman’s naughty area; it never gets a look in. But after Monday, this song certainly will apply.

More is certainly going come…..

It appears the election has stirred something within myself as tonight has been the most tweets as it were for anything. It’s almost as if I’m working, reporting on the “Jolly Election” as old David Dimbleby, the lord of Britain just put it.

Tomorrow, let’s see if we get what we need, not what we think will work as that hasn’t worked before.

Or am I just dreaming again and in reality, nothing will ever change in the wonderful bubble of the political world?

And now, an update from the end of June 2010: Perhaps now some time has passed, it’s best to comment on what had occurred that fateful night as far as the television went.

The BBC decided to stage the election in it’s “election studio”, something which was mentioned about once every 3 seconds, and was a cross between “Mission Control” and one of those evil lairs where the new Bond villain might be hiding in. All the usual suspects were on board to talk pointlessly to people for the first few hours about what might happen etc, then they just sit back and relax as people count all the pretty pieces of paper.

Oh and we had to have the celebrity knees-up every few minutes to see what people off the telly thought. Well certainly the impression I got was; cheers for the beers Mr. BBC!

But that was boring to the point of being in danger of contracting the disease from 28 Days later, so off we went to Sky News, with Adam Bloated, before he went nuts, almost everything you were seeing was being interrupted by a whoosing sound. If someone stood up, there was a whoosh, if someone had a chart to show, there was a whoosh. I swear there was a whoosh when someone farted….

And so to the main event of the evening, almost overshadowing the event of those funny people who pretend they know what they are doing, the Channel 4 Election Night, which in paper promised to be an excellent of crying over the nightmare which would follow, but alas, what we ended up with something, that was borderline a war crime.

One of the main reasons to watch was good old Charlie Brooker, a man who in the past has looked at countless hours of television news and mocked it beyond compare. It seems he was on the naughty step most of the time, as he had to stand at the back of the class, while Jimmy Carr labored through jokes so badly written, he’d been better off dangling his keys instead to get a better response.

At this point, my tweeting as it’s known in the fashoinable circles was at a all time high for one evening, being clever with lines like “Labour wins a seat. They get to take it home afterwards.” and “Oh no! People turned up to vote. What will happen next? (money is on a man running through the room on fire.)” in response to the fact that lots of people tried to vote then couldn’t.

I suppose when you have to start making your own entertainment up on an important evening, when all other avenues fail, you know you’re on a loser.

In the days that came afterwards, we still had Flash Gordan in Number 10, probably stealing the walnut cabinet holding the expensive scotch, while people argues about the fact that no-one was good enough to win outright. I thought it was one of the best results really, as no-one had really showed they knew what to do about the naughty that had happened beforehand.

After intense sexual pressure, We got a “buy one get one free” collation…collection….coal…..bunch of different people to run our fair country and it’s been a few weeks since they all took offices (and other things) and all we know so far is, they are just as corrupt as before (oh yes, already had a great scandal with that fellow fiddling his expenses to not tell people he’s gay, bless him) and stuff is going to be more expensive and puppies are to be drowned en mass as they don’t contribute to our GDP.

A victory for us all indeed.

After getting up on this fine Saturday morning, had some breakfast and a poo (not at the same time), watching a bit of the news, you know how dull people’s lives really are for the most part, I sat down to play some games (yes, instead of going outside into the city streets, with every increasing numbers of ladies wearing less now that the summer is coming). Steam, Valve software’s all singing all dancing money making distribution machine decided I needed to know about this;

Can you feel the dried up old boob that is now the Call of Duty franchise being milked again? 5 maps, three new for 12 quid after the “speical” pre-order price comes to an end. The mind, as they say, is blown.

This is not the first example of people getting overcharged for over hyped rubbish of course, look at the Apple maxipad, where thousands of fan-boys (and ladies in need to keep their underpants clean) went mad for it, only to discover slight problems with it days later with the wireless connection. The world is coming up with more and more pointless ways you can waste your cash.

The sad thing is people will buy it anyway….Come on! What happened to us men, spending our ill-gotten gains after pressing buttons in an office, on prostitutes, yogurt and other naughty items? That reminds me….must dash.

A couple of weeks ago when I was back home with the folks, sipping on the finest beer known to us from the fridge, a lovely gem of live television when watching Sky Sports News, to explain I’m not one for watching it that often.

After all, watching people do lots of exercise just reminds me how long I have before a massive cardiac arrest kicks in.

But as I was home with the folks, the afternoon was being spent watching Gillette Soccer Saturday, where lots of men watch football on their own TVs and then tell us all about it, far more gripping on occasion than it actually sounds.

Now most of the time, they are crossing from one person to another, telling you all about all the highs and lows of 22 overpaid toss-rags running round after a bloody ball, but every so often, something wonderful happens;

I thought I’d never see it again, but after seeing a recent episode of “You’ve been Watching” by Charlie “oh dear, he starting to adopt my take on personal grooming” Brooker, where it was once again mentioned, I had to see if it was kept alive on YouTube, and sure enough, it was.

Chris Karama, I salute you!

So much time has passed and so much has happened. Iceland’s volcanic ash grounding planes, the General Election being called, and Sainsbury’s have finally started doing decent jacket potatoes on lunchtime. But first, I actually have gotten round to writing about something I should have done a long time ago, as usual, nothing to do with events of great importance.

Back in the ancient days of 2009, May in fact, there was a certain posting on here about the fact that I was trying Internet Dating for a month and it was due to a few factors, people had suggested it and well I had figured it was cheaper than going out every night, dressing like something from a GAP advert, but looking like something that was the star in 50’s sci-fi horror films.

Well that fell by the wayside along with other things, and then the site I tried before was trying an extended offer, therefore offering another cheap opportunity to reinvestigate and see what the fuss was about and of course, see if indeed it is a place to contact women in a better way, once in which fat clumps like myself has a chance.

Enter Match.com (with scary Scooby Doo music…)

This is one of the original sites, though it appears there are no end of new sites that have popped up, including one where your friends can stitch you up for show like the pieces of rotten meat we all are. Now you notice that they boost that lots of people now are leaving as couples….oh do they?

So I stuck with this one for the purpose of this, and proceeded to sort out the thing that would sell me to the desperate world.

To say I didn’t spend that much time on the thing would be an understatement. I chose random pictures of me from the blog to use, along with the ye olde Ironing picture from Canary Wharf, as a way of showing, Look at me, look how funny I am, even though you get better laughs from collecting belly button fluff.

That will sell me very well.

My advert words were not entirely original either as they have been hanging around in a similar fashion on this very website’s about page:

The Lord of Leisure desires a lady of leisure.
My Name is Hughes, the self-proclaimed Lord of Leisure, and I’m putting myself out there for the ladies to assess my potential.

So I guess right now, if this small amount of text has peaked your interest, send me a message! Mind you, can someone also explain what bubbly actually is supposed to mean? You can be used as a cleaning device? I don’t know, such things confuse and enrage, then I have a cup of tea and all is right once more.

After that was all cleared, by what is I’m sure some bored f**ker in an office just checking for swear words, I proceeded to start looking for victims. It was really straight forward to start stalking and there are countless numbers out there, even back where I used to live in Shropshire.

Now, I suppose this is just people trying to look their best but it seems there were somewhat alarming consistencies….

• All women now are keep fit fanatics, my, since when were we all so obsessed with walking up mountains, swimming the Atlantic or bugger it, let’s all leap tall buildings in a single bound. If I get out of bed, that’s an achievement these days.
• They are bubbly, what the f**k does that mean, does that mean they burst at some point, can be used for cleaning things? What does this actually mean?!?!?
• They need loyalty, well not a new concept, but one wonders how burned a lot of these women are.
• Next thing, let’s all list hobbies which are “out there” and places they’ve been to, if anything they only mention the most faraway places, as in to say, yes we know about the world and look how much we can spend. I did it myself afterwards, even though I had been to Canada only once ten years ago.
• They have either never heard of books, or apparently have read every known classic to exist.
• Despite listing all their fun to do, it seems that either everyone loves going out to the cinema or staying in with a DVD and wine.

Well, excuse me, but I think you’ll find that’s not a huge push. Could it be that no-one actually wants to say, that most of the time they do nothing and then attempt to sound far more interesting than they actually am?
• How many teachers are on there? Must be a timesaver for them too with all their holidays and marking….
• Their ideal date has a sense of humour, happy to fly anywhere in the world at two seconds notice, overly romantic to the point of being sickening, and also happens to be the world’s strongest millionaire. Well, that’s me pretty much buggered.

Now to be fair there are some fantastically beautiful women on the site, from all over the place, and to be honest you wonder exactly why they are on there in the first place, everyone I suspect has their reasons, most of them bad. But I also suspect there is plenty of money being made as a result of people’s misery.

You can list for free, but truly to contact anyone you have to pay through the nose on Match.com and that can have an effect on who actually gets in touch. At least that is what I am telling myself as I’ve had no responses. None, nothing, natter, zilch, nil points, eff all. There have been profile views of course, but that means nothing at this stage.

Either when I pop up in the old web browser, it turns out I’m actually the creature from Predator which induces vomit from the ladies (something perhaps to add to the profile), or simply no-one is willing to pay for the service to correspond, which kind of defeats the whole lot from start to finish, and then perhaps places the emphasise on people who are willing to pay an extra 10 pounds on top of the monthly charge to let people chat to them.

Even on the internet, people are cheap…or perhaps as well, showing how truly shallow we as human beings are. Given we can just look through pages and move on quickly, I guess that can show what we truly are after, is a bit of crumpet that looks good, and if they have a personality, we can work around that.

So in short, the whole lot has been so far a dismal failure, for one or none of the reasons given in this post. Perhaps there will be the one hit, but right now, the only thing I can say is Internet Dating is crap. Unless you fit every woman’s fantasy, in which case, you wouldn’t be on the websites anyway. Saggy balls.

Tonight, for once, I took time out to watch the telly for a change and focused on watching an episode of the famous Panorama on BBC1, a show which looks at various issues occurring in the world today, like Charlie Brooker’s Newswipe programme except far less amusing nor containing any swear words for added effect.

But once more I felt the nerd rage build inside me, even prompting me to enter a blog entry for the first time in a while, for this programme was about the “net police” coming to get you for ripping off material you didn’t pay for,, due to a new digital rights bill moving through parliament right now.

The show mainly focused on the music industry, you know, those lovable rogues that fuel the wages of many mainstream artists and of course brought us the likes of Simon Cowell. Yeah, them lot. Already we’re not on their side.

Because I prefer to comment on such things that actually doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, here was a comment I left with them, of course if it got published on the site, I’d be amazed:

I absolutely laughed at some of the comments being made and also could not believe how much was left out.

However in concentrating on just the music industry, and not even really highlighting anything on the TV industry, where waste also reins as much as in music, Video game piracy or some of the solutions being put forward to see where habits could be changed for instance, like Spotify to any great detail, nor even think about the reasons why people do it for free (focusing on students or kids, it’s not exactly difficult to see why they do it.) it feels a great disservice has been done by only covering a tiny portion of the overall situation and something like this, would need a lot more air time to look at everything.

Perhaps the portion with Stephan Timms MP could have been better articulated really….By them, I did infer the government, however the point has probably gotten lost by now.

To be honest, I felt like I could have made a better programme using cling film and a vomiting dog, and for god’s sake, please stop showing us the Pirate Bay on these programmes, there are countless others as well but I suspect the researchers on these lovely jollies never bother looking at anything else.

A bit more research, questioning and perhaps not try to cram everything in a 27 minute film would perhaps go further for the legal cause than what this did tonight.

Boo hoo, why have about 2000 people only got invites to a beta test of a computer game that lots of people seem to care about, and I’m not part of it, I went to all the shows, paid thousands of pounds travelling round the world to turn up in a hotel dressed as Frodo, only to then be laughed at because my ears weren’t real enough, oh the torment, the horror, this is not why millions dies in countless wars so we are denied to play against people who fry in sunlight, but can move and build huge armies using the power of their minds instead.

Christ. That was a long winded sentence.

The thing is, I actually never traveled anywhere looking like a reject from Lord of the Rings, nor paid lots of money like others in the world, yet somehow, I was one of the lucky first few who got to play the first round of the Starcraft 2 beta, and the overjoyed look on my gleeful face having got home after a long hard day of sleeping, you could have used as a Christmas card.

And what would a post like this be without some pictures just showing the fact that I have it and you don’t, like the snide little small minded ba****d I am:

Well aside from the fact that I’ve been able to log onto something that others haven’t been able to, mainly due to the fact that they care very little and have other things to do, what could I possibly tell you about this beta experience of the sequel to one of the very best real time strategy games ever created?

Well, for a start, not a lot. You see, you are effectively thrown in at the deep end of the multi-player only for this testing, with the single player content, the part where most people’s interests will lie firmly remaining out of sight for the time being. You have to create a primary and secondary name to be seen by people, link that to your battle.net thing and then you start pushing buttons to start losing.

I say losing, as that’s what you’re going to do for the first ten matches in either 1 vs 1 or 2 vs 2 because I felt all cocky having got the chance to play and I lost within 4 minutes of playing the first game, as my opponent at the time chose to “rush.”

When I say “rush”, I don’t mean “rush to the bus stop as it’s just pulled up”, or “rush your homework by colouring in different doodles and hope that gets you a pass for History.”

No, I mean “rush” as in build lots of one type of a unit, normally the first one you get to build that has a gun or something, then go to the other guy’s base and destroy everything before he’s had a chance to put down some lovely carpet and do up the kitchen in the command center.

Games like this are a regular occurance at the moment, with one time the excuse given to me when I asked why he just “rushed” was, “I chose a random race, you have to just win when you select random.” Well, the idea of playing against someone is to win, but surely that just means it’s down to whoever builds the one lot of units first and races to your exact location. Like the strategy there.

The other current method of play is racing up the various technology options and then building one huge armada of the big mother f**king ships and the simply fly in and destroy everything. In nearly 4 minutes.

If this type of thing happens 10 times in a row before you can then placed in the special needs league for each type of game, you can bet your bottom dollar, that people are simply going to leave the multi-player content like the first game, where basically the Koreans using every limb possible took over the universe, (well one of them died on the toilet after taking over the universe) and then taking to the warm comforting safety of the single player and then walk away after it’s all done.

The new units, I’ve not really had the time to get to grips with as you have to try them out when you’re playing against a real person, so nine times out of ten, you don’t know at the present moment, what unit is good for what situation, hopefully they all have guns and they hurt the other evil people more than they can hurt me. There is a mode where you can play against the computer, however this mode is so easy to win here, even I can win here. The only way to get better is to play against others.

And that’s only dependent on how long it is before you throw in the towel and go back to w*nking. At least you win in an empty way, every time.

Yes, instead of focusing on the now, which as I type consists of listening to ambulance sirens bellowing out their ever-increasing wails to non existent traffic outside, let’s have a post dedicated to that year which no-one remembers fondly: 2009, the a**hole of the noughties.

(Note: Must find out what this decade is going to be referenced as by those silly radio shows.) And now for a brief news rundown of the year, complete with sarcastic remarks;

Meanwhile back here at Ooh Sometimes, if any of the content was to go by, very little actually changed over 2009. The number of posts were still down, the lack of anything substantial of note proved to be the deciding issue amongst money struggles, visits to Spain were the most in any one year, setting a new record for….err….something.

The best month for actual fun and frolics was indeed March, though that was more due to the over eagerness to write about 2008, more than then current events such as the discovery of a YouTube video where a turtle get his freak on with a shoe, and wondering why there was so much built-up anger most of the time about, well, anything as it happened.

The further discovery that Sweden can do Vampire Horror while also making us laugh with cats, only made the situation more bizarre to grasp what was actually going on here at all.

While there were some posts about the films of the year, Star Trek being on of the better films of course, Gamer’s Corner all but dried up with content, only coming back in some for towards the end of the year, and there was no sign at all of the Ooh Sometimes Podcast to be heard. Mr Voice Over Man has long since assumed that Europe had been destroyed in some accident involving beans and went to tend to his farm in Texas.

The highlights for sure had to be meeting Mr. Micheal Ironside with Mrs Jewel Staite, with the second best being annoying to the Spanish prostitutes in Madrid, taking photos and running away. The Eurogamer Expo also ranks highly.

And that’s it as silly as all this is, 2009 was actually a bad year for most people, and there was not a lot of fun to be had other than repeating the same routine every day, getting fatter and lazier than ever before and become perhaps far more cynical about everything than a 27 year old ever should.

Therefore, this single crappy (note the header of this post has one less p in it, thus perhaps insinuating that it’s so crappy, it can’t even be spell checked properly) post should be taken as is, 2009 was indeed a year to forget in many ways.

What’s worse, 2010 has not started out any better, with the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Haiti, more terrorism alerts, even more silliness with the MPs because they still want our cash to get into office, more people are inquiring about divorce… the list goes on and it’s only the 25th of January.

Nothing has changed at all then, we are all even doing exactly as we all were before the end of last year. That new year, new start rubbish has indeed proven to be entirely that; rubbish.

Man, I used to be cheerful.