Here is the big announcement which I’ve been leading up to all day, and have been thinking of the best way to break the news which practically everyone knows already, however our international readership may be interested as it involves London, and as we all know, London is the only place in Britain. Nowhere else exists.

There was some deciding over whether the BBC should break the story, interrupting tonight’s episode Doctor Who and therefore we have to wait to find out about the Doctor’s Daughter. Perhaps distributing flyers on people’s windscreens. Or at the Wedding mass in Westminster today, as a “and finally notice”, the 700 married couples would be told there, thus making the day even happier.

But I don’t have any money. So a crap fudging of the Ooh Sometimes header logo and a blog post here will have to do.

I’m moving to London.
(Just in case you failed to notice the banner above)

Yes, that’s the news that has been kept secret until recently and which had been taking up a lot of time in sorting out, when after a long stint in Telford, I guess the time has come to push the envelope further and try something new.

It wasn’t an easy decision by any stretch of the imagination, I will miss the people still there and considering where I am going to, there are some people thinking: What the bloody hell are you doing?

London’s full of chavs, gangs, guns, idiots, various religious arseholes who want to blow things up, people work night and day just to get by and lastly there’s Boris Johnson, the man who everyone is hoping fails at his task being Mayor. What could possibly compel you to go there?

Well, in truth, London, despite the fact that it’s ridiculously expensive to get decent sized accommodation and even live, it’s easy to get lost and killed in, and you can feel so alone in a place like that, London is the major place, in front of Birmingham, Manchester, Glasgow and Edinburgh, where the most opportunities exist to do anything you want. It’s going to be one of those experiences we all have to do at some time in our lives.

By day, you can do your normal work, and by night, you could take a course at one of the many institutions available who specialise in various areas not found elsewhere, or get caught up doing something you would never think about doing in a million years. (Note, previous statement doesn’t include running from the fuzz for drug trafficking.) Or if you are me, actually get time to do the bloody podcast! Though, at least it’s now clear as to why it’s being delayed.

London also has the most to do in terms of night and indeed day-life. So many places to visit, and so many free things too. It would be nice to actually see some of the people I hear and see in the flesh more often, and well, a lot of them are down London, let’s see who we can annoy and scare with badly crayoned pictures showing how much I love them!

There are people down and back up here who have already said they would help if asked, and I wish to state on the record I am very grateful for their help in whatever shape or form it took. In fact, some people down there in London, are a hoot to talk to and there are just so many people, there has to be some good eggs there among the b******ds who want to bugger things up for the rest.

Of course, it may go horribly wrong. I may be rubbish at the job and they throw me out. I may end up in a bad situation from which naughty all flows forth. That’s the risk we have everywhere these days. But that’s no reason not to try.

So for how ever long it lasts, let’s rock!

Warning: Most of the text on this post has been embellished to be funny. Or at least, a bad attempt at being funny. Enjoy!

Some of you may have been wondering what the Lord and Lady of Leisure did over the bank holiday weekend. Some of you of course, will not really care, as long as there wasn’t too much blood shed and the police weren’t asking questions as to why you were named as a suspect in a violent weeing up the wall incident.

No fears on that front of course dear readers, We were down the capital city of the nation called England, as the last post will attest to, as writing on the blog has been most absent, almost as if I wasn’t here to write….

The main reason was to attend a reasonably upper class affair in an art gallery on the Sunday, where the Lady of Leisure was attempting to swindle people out of their hard earned cash by using an elaborate pulley system and some beans, or we could even stretch it to a plot from Hustle from the BBC, where she flickers her eyes at some old man with expensive clothes, and Danny would seal the deal by promising Canary Wharf for $125,000. Why dollars and not pounds, I just don’t know.

Either that, or she was there to sell her paintings.

Below you will find a few of the photos taken during the celebrations where a bit of free alcohol and nibbles were to be had, you would look at some of the paintings on the wall and decide that they were rubbish and move on, while pretending to like it.

Now the above image needs a little extra text to cover why Natalie would be painting instead of wandering around various people stealing their wallets and ruining their dreams. There was a blank canvas there for any one to come along and paint, which if it was any good as a result of everyone contributing, I dare say the gallery would proceed to sell it for 14 billion roubles, claiming that Fidel Castro himself vomited on that very canvas.

Here there were various levels of society all talking about various topics while paying no attention to each other. It was a rather interesting experience, as I learned the art of “talking about things” to complete strangers without having the comfort of the USB mic connected to the PC at home.

The organisers were most personable, and the ability to impress someone with stupendous amounts of technical waffle which more than likely is incorrect cannot be underestimated. There was also an Australian woman who painted various images which at first were hugely confusing, and you would think that some magic substance was consumed at the time. However, there were stories underneath said paintings, which enlightened us all and we all put our phones away, not wanting to call the funny farm people.

Here we have two people standing in front of some of the work.

Don’t worry, it’s not just a case of taking random pictures of people for the purpose of contract killing, it’s Maria with her new shiny boyfriend friend.

The Lithuanian contingent was quite strong at the opening, with someone from the embassy turning up, more than likely hoping for a PR opportunity to change people’s perceptions of the country, that there is talent there and not just a lot of potatoes and frogs. We had a good chat with a number of people there and it was most interesting to compare art with music for example.

During one conversation, it was agreed that a painting with just three colours colouring in some wallpaper from B&Q was a load of rubbish. Another artist from Norfolk, was just exhibiting his work, and it turns out he thought a lot of the work was rubbish too. The one main thing to take away from the experience truly was, that many people in the art world are pretentious. In a bad way.

They smile etc, but they seem to be hiding the fact that they all hate anyone else’s work. And also modern art appears to be hated a lot too. I happen to agree with them on that for a lot of it.

Video Taken at the far,far,far party

And there we have it, ladies and gentlemen, for your rabid lust, a small taster of what an art exhibition opening can look like.

We in fact left after 8pm to have some drinks with the aforementioned Maria and said boyfriend friend, whose name escapes me at the moment, but I’m sure that someone will email in saying it’s Dave. In fact we wandered through Soho, where the impossible happened. At long last, we found the naughty shops.

Yes the places of ill-repute, selling various things designed to arouse and confuse you at the same time, such as inflatable dolls and cut-price DVDs which frankly doesn’t leave you wondering that much why they are so cheap.

And then this happened…..

Indeed as the name on the store suggests, it was a spank-o-rama. After that X-rated picture was confiscated by the police for them to “review” down the station, we enjoyed some uber nice Chinese food, and proceeded to drink far too much Pimms and Coke in a local pub, where it was discussed what music would you want to have a poo to. Flight of the Valkyries was an obvious choice.

We skipped over Saturday and Monday, as that was mainly taken up by huge coach journeys as the Train system was broke that weekend, this time on purpose by Network Rail. However I will say this: If you get the chance and the money to do so, eat at Adam’s Rib near Piccadilly Circus. Once you have some of those ribs in BBQ sauce, you will want to take it to bed, finish off and have a cigarette afterwards.

Bonjour from the capital city, Yes, I’m not in the Arctic tundra right now, just taking a small break away from various amounts of silliness and hijinks, although so far there has been lots of dilly dallying happening down here already, I guess you can call it a realisation of what’s going on at the moment with myself and what the future may entail.

Sounds vague and serious again, doesn’t it?

But rest assured, it’s probably me just wanting to cast wild rumours about the place and get people talking about you. After all, that’s the key of creating awareness, whether what people are saying about you is good or bad, at least they are talking about you. That’s a sign you’re making an impact.

Nevertheless this weekend so far has been a very strange one and that story I guess will remain for another time when all us old folks get together, and start remembering when it wasn’t a criminal offence to fart in someone’s toilet or something else, who knows what’s allowed these days?

I’m sitting in one of those handy internet cafe things, typing this, and there is a fair amount I wish to write but I’m aganist the clock at the present moment, so it will have to be briefer than I would like. Also, no pretty pictures to keep you all from falling asleep but there will be some other ones later on this week, after our return and triumph over Lord Sucky of the Mongoose horde.

In any case, this evening of course brings the opening in the posh place down mayfair, and it is the Lord of Leisure’s desire to make an impact later on this evening on the various people and other entites, pretending to talk utter rubbish, well, actually behaving as normal and perhaps dropping the odd pointless remark about what a poop stain on a canvas reflects about society.

Alas, my time is up, so from the Lord of Leisure in London, back to you in the studio. And now the weather sponsered by a evil empire bent on telling you all is well in the world.

The image used is from: http://deardeadbeat.blogspot.com/

It’s been a hell of a week for the Lord of Leisure, with the promise of a great new adventure now on the horizon, which when going forward, will certainly complicate many great things such as sleeping, sneezing, and snatching various things (various things which I have only been sued for on three occasions) but more news on that miracle will be forth coming over the days ahead. I promise it will be a doosy.

Things dried up on the writing front once more, simply because of the lack of material steming from hiding and typing of various other documents which are silly, the podcast still remains in limbo incomplete, the bovril and marmite sitting there, waiting to get their teeth in each other like Mike Tyson and anyone else who happens to be next to Mike when he feels hungry. The answer to which is better on toast remains a huge issue, greater than the local elections happening across Britain today.

Fear not, you will know soon enough.

The problem has been once again, that the various work amounts have been pressing down on the Lord like a sack of genetically disfigured potatoes. Doesn’t sound very hopeful does it?

But on the plus side, Levkovska.com was put online, ready for the exhibition in London on the weekend at the ArtSpace Galleries in Mayfair and so far, there has been positive feedback for the material shown. And yes to appease the rugged beast that is my friend Glyn, who quite rightly pointed out that I failed to acknowledge his massive effort, if you want a website as good as that, please drop our friends over at Plastic Mongoose for a nice quote and a friendly service.

Well…..sort of. Maybe. Ish….

Over the weekend, we will all be down in the capital city, having various levels of fun on all sorts of endeavours, and possibly having a drink for the first time in…..um….someone help me here? There will be some pictures, some pornographic for my use and some others will be available here for your rabid consumption before moving onto the rest of the humans.

In less than four weeks, the degree will be over and afterwards there will be much rejoicing with various products as mentioned on more than one occasion here, but potential naughty afoot as well. In some ways, it’s a bit of a bad time but in others, it’s damned good!

Hugs and Kisses!
BYE!!

To break the silence after the happenings of the weekend and the treachery of real life which has stopped the progress of the podcast, it is with great pleasure that I take time out from the frantic running around that currently grips my days to remark on another website once more.

At long last, Levkovska.com has a proper site up and running with the paintings created by the lady of leisure up for all to see, cry over and perhaps want to spend huge amounts of cash on.

More content will be added over time and one or two other extras per chance, and as it stands, it’s nice to finally see such fine works of modern art on the internet for all to see. Granted I am slightly biased in this fashion but rest assured, just visit the site and you’ll see for yourself, that the Tate Modern don’t know what they are missing (aside from Poly-filler for the crack in the floor…. )

So please, take a look: Levkovska.com

Warning: loading may be slow for users on 56k modem connections due to images.

Due to reasons very much as a result of my fiddling in real life, currently Podcast 3 sits 3/4 written with recording not likely to occur until after next week. The main reasons have been work related I’m afraid, so expect a filler podcast to fill you’re ears full of evil shortly once again.

Sorry campers, I am letting you all down again (Yes Keith, you will have to wait slightly longer, hahahaha etc), but one day I may be able to explain why. Right after eating a selection of tasty cheesy snacks from your local Tescos (for the reason of Balance, other supermarkets are available.)

Regretfully, That’s all the time I have to write today, as much continues to happen and there is only so much time for sitting down with cups of tea and biscuits.

The Lord of Leisure has finally begun resuming his leisurely activities, much to the rejoicing of the countless millions who offered their lives to ensure a return to form, lying on the settee, watching Doctor Who reruns while consuming the delicacies of various nations, such as the slighty grilled, yet refined with Worcester Sauce “cheese toastie”, which we all know was invented by James Watt in 1803 while working on his bike,

This was shortly followed by tasting the rare and satisfying “crisp” which was invented by the Venetian monks of Belgium in 25AD which was a result of finding the divine answer to “Where did I leave thine keys again?”

Even the pope gave thanks during his recent visit to America, when CNN questioned his grace about the sudden turnaround in fortune for the Lord of Leisure, he simply remarked “See, there is a god. I told you so, didn’t I?”

So it was a return to the things that I enjoy doing the most. From the very moment at waking up at 8:16am the proceeding morning, a feeling washed over me. Something was different, but what? Not bad different but good different. There was a sense of not rushing, and after drifting back and out of the erotic freeview land filled with the female of the species wearing various levels of clothing, I wandered down the stairs with a smile on my face and a stain in my underwear.

It then dawned on me. The different was: you don’t have to rush around doing anything today. Go and have fun mate.

When you are able to spend the vast majority of the day doing what you want, in this instance, playing a game without worrying about anything else what so ever, that’s when you know all is well. I had yearned for the mindless taste of free running and graphic violence that Assassin’s Creed presented all during the week, in fact, since it flew into my letterbox last Thursday, and to have a concentrated time to really get into it was fantastic.

I had played a few bits of the game but nothing past the first city, Acre as the dreaded work had beckoned me to complete that before other shenanigans. But as that was handed in on Thursday, there’s nothing more that can be done. It’s either good or bad, so now that’s it out of my hands, why worry?

I did actually finish the game too, clearly of course it was left open for multiple games afterwards to follow in it’s wake. Overall good effort from Ubisoft, it was worthy of my expenditure, though there are quite a few points of note which drag it down, actually perhaps that’s why it’s one of the easiest jobs in the world to be a critic. Pointing out flaws as always an easy task whereas pointing out what something does very well, is a lot more challenging.

I’ll tell you all about it in the next podcast, how about that for a slice of fried gold?

The rest of the time was spent watching some of the telly for a change, like the new series of Have I Got News for You and also tinkering with a few bits and bobs as you do. It was just a day filled with nothing really overly productive and it was good. If everyday was like that, then frankly, we would have either Heaven on earth, or some nightmare where the human race dies from being like sloths.

Today, which is Sunday, was also a leisurely day, waking up and once again drifting in and out of the aforementioned naughty place, before getting up and wandering downstairs to begin the lengthy but slightly more entertaining than other stuff process of thinking up entertaining gimmicks for the podcast.

There isn’t long left before that’s due so either I get the old skates on, bang out yet more award winning material which will cause profound thinking or dementia, we still don’t know yet, we’ll be in another naughty filler situation which is more than likely what May will bring, as there is so much to squeeze in there, we very well may have to skip another month. Of course time will tell on that.

As well as making sure that the most important thing today was done (buying milk), I once again took some time to causally sit down in Shrewsbury with Natalie and Laura again, in the same coffee place by the way, as before except the mood was a lot more cheery. There was also a crowd but they were more concerned with getting a moco-choco-bococino than anything else. Shame.

All this laying about may have not been a good thing but there we are, that has been the weekend’s duties and as Sunday draws to a close, we carry on with typing away on various things, all of which is nothing to with work. If this is what it takes to be happy, sign me up.

Nice.

The Lord of Leisure remains entrenched in the Arctic Tundra, his work ever coming to an end. But having been by himself for many days, fever has started to set in with thoughts most foul occurring. Well, different foul thoughts other than the normal you come to expect.

It is a time of great concern when thoughts like this occur, a time of choice, and a time of gambling for tonight’s mystery star prize only to find it’s a toaster. Every man has gone through this throughout the generations, and will continue to do so until as such time, that like every Star Trek episode has suggested, we leave our bodies behind to torment the universe with mystical farting.

And for once, I’m not going to leave this vague to cause confusion and arousal at the same time. It concerns the females of the species. And that means trouble.

You see, because of recent naughty with various amounts of work and not having the right time sorting out skills, it is well known that I have not been having much fun such as writing articles for the blog, I actually miss the creative writing that I prided myself on ensuring what Ooh Sometimes would become, as perhaps a portfolio to be proud of and maybe as a steping stone to write for other websites and podcasts.

The life experiences which happened back in the days when I did have interesting things to talk about, along with the colourful swearing and erotic but highly sexist banter was a great way of either blowing off some steam or voicing opinions about subjects which would be been difficult to write anywhere else.

I miss the process of thinking up hugely absurd ideas, creating fun and chaotic filth for the podcast with Mr. VO Man, that has fallen behind once again, the script with ideas left in a digital corner gathering dust, and the 26th of April release date looks a bit dodgy at present.

There was to be a stab at true radio presenting, which, after a phone call, that whole promise of grandness has gone down the toilet, for now at least the Aston FM position has become a pipe dream and thus perhaps a refuge from the grey fortress of IT.

There have been few full on bouts of gaming (in other words, playing violent shooters thus satisfying my white middle class blood lust) on many award winning titles, some of which still have remain unplayed and loved.

Perhaps it’s the fact that we haven’t been going out much, consumed in the work. Even then when I have been out somewhere, like Manchester last weekend where once again, Glyn, Kelly and Christine were more than kind hosts, and I was still under the weather. However comments made while there, caused some concern. Put it this way, it worries you when they say you look pale and the stomach issues etc has maybe been down to stress.

Surely this is not true? Can stress manifest itself in improper movements in the stomach? (I’m not counting the bottom trumping as that’s business as usual)

For some time I have slowly but surely been breaking and now have actively vented frustration and anger at anyone and everything. This includes Natalie. Now basically this is my fault and she has enough on her plate right now with the beginning of several art exhibitions, which are more than likely to be successful, without me getting out of the car and proceeding to cause a reign of terror over L.A.

I believe that if I do not calm myself down and return to the leisurely ways I used to take pride in being like, she will go. And that would be fair enough as no-one likes someone who moans about everything even when things look up.

I need a good sit-down and a jolly good think about what the situation is, and what can be done to quell the “Beast of Bonjella” that has consumed the soul of the Lord of Leisure and has left in it’s place, a bitter 90 old man, with a mug of beef tea, mumbling to passers by about how cold it is. Normally I’d ask for volenteers for kicking me up the backside, however that list may be rather long now as a result of recent times, so I won’t.

Whatever happens, all will become clear soon I feel and either it gets better or worse. My mind and heart are dangerous things to leave unguarded, in case they both leave the cage and go wandering off to find different things to laugh at, leaving me to hire Dastardly and Muttley to catch the b*****ds before another series of cartoons is made about those adventures. You know which ones….

And now one of the assignments is out of the way, with hopefully no comeback from the tutor to say I’ve failed and the exam and other assignment also comes back all good, I can take the foot off the pedal and begin to relax again, sorting myself out in the process. Hopefully before I really do make a balls-up of everything. After all, it would be only myself to blame.

I’m not writing this for sympathy, far from it, I’m writing this as it’s been building up and I wish to get it out in the open. Perhaps some good will come from all this. Failing that, a Cornetto would be nice.

While other things are afoot, it’s about time the text from the review on the last podcast was placed on the Internet with countless pictures used

This month for the choice of game on Gamer’s Corner from episode 2 of the podcast, it was a rather difficult affair to decide over, The Witcher was going to be reviewed but has been put on hold pending the release of the fancy dancy version which seemingly fixes everything I found to be wrong with the game.

Assassin’s Creed on PC just arrived in the post so that was out of the question unless I nicked the Tardis and jumped forward 3 weeks.

So that didn’t leave that many games to destroy in a audio shelling, with most of my time has been spent typing for endless days so this month, it’s a retrospective review about a game which so many adored for different reasons and yet despised by a fair few too:

Bioshock

Paul, you resplendent superstar of knowledge, surely reviewing a game that came out August last year is silly considering the world has moved on since then, what about Sam and Max Season 2: Episode 4, Sins of a Solar Empire, Spooking Jehovah’s Witnesses by opening the front door holding a blood stained knife and shouting “WHAT?”

Well that’s a fair comment, I cannot deny that Bioshock may be last year’s news and to keep it dragging out from the retirement home to dance for us is surely going to bring the wrath of social services for not treating the old girl right, but Sam and Max, the gameplay doesn’t really change much and I would end up spoiling the story because I can’t help myself, even now I want spoil the ending by saying that it was the butler that did it….oops.

And as for Sins of a solar empire, I have only just got a copy of the game after being paid my £7.20 for the month and by all accounts from people masturbating over the game, it takes roughly 78 years to finish a game, and at the present moment the time simply isn’t there.

Besides occasionally it’s rather healthy to re-examine a game after the hype has all died away, was it as good as we all thought it was. There’s also the added argument of patches which fix issues and add content here and there, which actually when you come to think about it, That sums up most games these days, with that scallywag the Witcher taking pole position, has the core of what made the game been changed in anyway and is the replayablity there? (yes, I know, another ability word there, campers, see that Uni course is teaching me a lotablity.) And lastly I haven’t reviewed it before so why not?

So Bioshock then, for those who have a life, busy performing illegal acts with the gender of your choice and afterwards spend time laughing at YouTube videos that show dogs set on fire, I’ll explain what the story is in simple terms:

It’s about a man who has a bit of a bad day after a plane crashes then winds up in an society gone horribly wrong. Two people don’t like each other, you’re used, you fight back, beat up little kids and inject yourself with so many needles that the police surely should be knocking on your door asking if that’s really a prescription from your doctor. Ok that’s an oversimplification.

The battleground for your pwn-pwning is Rapture, a Butlins holiday camp underwater created by Andrew Ryan who had enough of society as a whole (and as it stands, I think a lot of people share that same feeling about today’s lovely mess we live in, but let’s crack on)

It seems a substance known as ADAM (although I suspect it’s named otherwise by the amount of spam I get about it) has turned the citizens into a bunch of demented naughty people who seem to want to kill only you when you peer around the door, waving and smiling, hoping to make a few friends and have a chat over a pot of tea.

Yes, its genetics gone mad again, when will they ever learn, haven’t they seen the sixth day staring Govonator Arnnie? Actually if they haven’t it’s probably for the best…

But as with all FPS, you don’t play with kittens and feed the homeless, you shoot things, so what have we got in Bioshock with a big bullseye painted on them for you to destroy?

Well, in truth, not many. The variety of the enemies is a bit lax in this department. Because it was the human population taking ADAM, They are all still basically human at the core with messed up faces and slightly different attributes. But seeing as different levels of ADAM gives different effects, you will be introduced to one type of enemy walking on the ceiling then dropping down to do a few cartwheels to show off to their mum and dad at the school sports day, another group has discovered nice things which have a habit of exploding.

And finally, another group of people have watched The Illusionist (perhaps because of Jessica Biel, and who can blame them) and started to perform vanishing then re-appear slightly further away tricks, which has you running around silly trying to get them. Which, despite the way I’ve described the bad guys and their nasty habits, is a good thing. It kept me moving and aiming trying to stay half a millimetre ahead of the game.

But as for the rest of the evil doers, it seems they ran out of money for ADAM, not really having magic powers and therefore just want to charge at you and either shoot you with a nice gun or hit you with a jolly big stick, perhaps upset that ADAM never even sorted them out with enlarged genitals to impress the girl baddies.

The one major enemy that’s 100% different to the normal citizens is the big daddy, whose name unfortunately does conjure up a reference to a 1960’s porn film. These lumbering beasts who protect possessed little girls who enjoy stabbing corpses with large needles, will charge at you dealing huge damage and can be hard to take down early on. Some have a Black and Decker drill on one arm, others have a bolt gun, either way they can be taken down in no time if all you do is keep firing and setting them on fire…heh heh.

Bioshock is a first person shooter available on PC and the Xbox 360, which means it’s better on the PC in terms of controls, for example to change a weapon on the PC you use the mouse wheel and right button together with a number on the keyboard for great success, all while still avoiding the hooligans who want to rearrange your face to resemble a Picasso painting.

The Xbox 360 however, you have either just cycle through with a button until you get the right one, or pause the game to allow you to select what you want which is kind of bad in terms of pulling you out of the bang bang and make people cry bit, making it all ever so less immersive. Picky I know, but I still get to say Hahahahaha etc.

And to the game’s credit, there are a few ways you can deal with the horde of evil-doers, you have your guns and grenades, or you have special genetic abilities which are picked up as you go along, such as “Winter Blast”, the ability to freeze your opponent where he/she stands, “Incinerate”, which sets them on fire, or “Emasculate”, when used, the bad guys end up feeling rotten about themselves. (Ok, that last one isn’t there, but it would be fun to have though!)

How you use these are up to you and offers some variety in dealing with the baddies, as does the helpful tonics which boost your character no end that towards the end of the game, Superman would have trouble dealing with you.

The security system (ha ha, I hear the people who have played the game say, he’s mentioned the security system at last) seems a wee bit too futuristic considering the time setting and the fact that Rapture has been cut off from the real world with any advances they had made, and if the hacking mini game allowed anyone to come along and alter things to be more friendly to them, surely all the citizens would have their own turrets following them everywhere, but this is being a wee bit too picky.

What I will be picky over, is the main boss type people, it seems that they aren’t really pumped up in any way and therefore the few shots and burning sensation they get from you is more than enough to sort them out. They are depicted as being important aspects as to how Rapture and the principles Andrew Ryan laid about no-one being constrained by governments to perform their work, but then after a scene where they show their deranged selves, you feel it’s meant to be harder.

I mentioned the little girls earlier, these little sisters collect ADAM from bodies for some reason and it’s you job to either kill them for lots of ADAM in return or save them for not as much ADAM, but then you get other plasmids and more ADAM as gifts later on.

It’s a moral choice in a game where morality is left far behind in pursuit of perfecting ideas, and depending on which path you chose changes the end of them game, of which you are firmly evil or firmly good. If you kill one little sister, you will get the bad ending.

Paul, you insert random comment about your manliness here, kill little girls, that’s a bit off isn’t it? And yes it is, but in fairness to 2K, that is never shown in any detail, and considering how gruesome the rest of the game is, surely that’s a well made decision?

The graphics are extremely well done and serve to show the city in its full run-down glory, the water effects are superbly done and all credit to the design team for creating things of the 1940’s era but twisting to fit the environment here. This was the first game to really bump up the minimum requirements for running the game well, and frankly I’ve slated that kind of behaviour already for others, so we’re not going into that more here.

For the really scary parts, I’m afraid the award for making you change your nappies has to fall to the sound, the high pitched violins, the crazy talk by another former happy person about times past all leaves you with a sense of dread, which for a game is excellent.

The story is there, but you have to look for it at times and frankly if you don’t then it’s a bit of a waste of time playing the game, just fire up generic shooter 56 if that’s all you want, there are handy audio diaries around, and the key moments with Atlas and Andrew Ryan are among some of the most compelling and thought-provoking you will ever see.

However, this game has been done before. Sorry, but for all it’s polish, story, design, details, sound and graphical excellence, It’s basically System Shock 2 which can run on modern equipment. I’m not the first to compare it with that past game and certainly not the last, and perhaps because we know what System Shock 2 was about and what that included, Bioshock sort of stumbles around like a stand-up comic trying to find a joke to entertain the crowd while they falling asleep. And forgive me, but isn’t genetics gone wrong getting old? I do also have an issue with the fact that the guy you play will inject himself with anything regardless of whether or not it’s a good idea.

The extra plasmids given in the patch have added one or two extra bits to play with and having the widescreen view is a welcome addition as I am one of those arse holes who sold other people’s stuff to get one of those screens, but once you’ve been through Bioshock, the only reason to go back into it going to be with one of those people who feel compelled to relive those classics moments in the game, otherwise it’s back down the local boozer destroying your life in other ways.

Or is there another reason? It’s at this point I have to mention a feature that may have been an unintended bonus. During the playback of Bioshock, I had shown the lady friend what the fuss was all about as the art style had intrigued her, or it could have been the simple fact that she was humouring me before telling me to do something useful like boiling socks.

But when she first saw the bad guys melted faces and heard their deranged mutterings, she was utterly disgusted and felt ill, she immediately asked what kind of people created this game? So Ken Levine, what kind of person are you to create this? Why didn’t you feature someone drowning puppies as well that would have really made her thrown up…. heh heh.

So the unexpected bonus feature of this game is that if you want some free time to yourself, tell the other half you’re playing Bioshock and they’ll leave you alone.

So in summery, Bioshock is:

· Detailed very well

· Sound particularly is superb and excels in scaring you half to death.

· Replay is limited though if you do, you may unexpectedly free up time from the lady friend which was a surprise.

· Story is compelling and well executed, but you need to keep looking for those audio diaries to make it worthwhile.

· Not many different bad guys really.

· Bosses are weak.

· Runs well on high specs, not for the faint hearted low specs.

· Controls are good.

· Not much choice in routes taken to get to the end

· The Harvest of the little sisters affects the ending, though only two possible outcomes.

· It’s been done before by System Shock 2

· Patch added a couple of good bits but maybe not enough to bring you back.

So is Bioshock still worth playing and is it worth the hype. If you’ve never played System Shock 2, oh dear god yes. If you want a rich story that questions morality and twists like you never expect, yes, if you want extra fine creative detail in the looks and sound departments, indeed yes. For everything else, I’m afraid not.

So using the utterly useless 1-10 system with with 1 being the equivalent of telling your best friend you’ve had his sister while 10 being the equivalent of having your wicked way with sexy triplets and the score of 12 being reserved for games of unquestionable perfection, I hereby award Bioshock:

Granted it’s linear, not an awful lot in terms of original features that hasn’t been in games before and only truly effective the first time you play, but it’s so well executed you can’t help but feel you get your money’s worth.

If you would like a particular game reviewed instead of the Lord of Leisure reviewing seemingly only good games then why not drop a line to podcast@oohsometimes.com