And so it’s that time of year once more, where we even dust off the same santa picture telling you that you should buy things, and that means a festive Ooh Sometimes message to be displayed on the 25th of December to those who are too bored to talk to their families, but unlike last year, there are now better things to watch than RedTube, if the recent episodes of Robert’s web, staring Robert Webb is to be believed. I bet the guys who came up with the name of the show spent literally seconds thinking that up.

First of all, Merry Christmas to everyone today (even those who prefer not to celebrate, remember kids, you’re still getting some days off), hope you got what you wanted or indeed perhaps you just got to spend time with your “loved” ones (yes you only see them when you have to, don’t lie), and if not, just remember, EBay allows you to sell both your crap presents and your loved ones on as required.

Plus this year, stores have extended their returns policy to the end of January. Let’s be fair most of the stuff on sale this year has been sh*t, so let’s all get the money back and get drunk instead.

By the time you read this, I myself as usual will away from sunny or snowy London, back in the Midlands with friends and family, more than likely right now I’m on the floor under the influence of yet more questionable substances, all the time laughing at shiny things. You’d think I’d have learned that cheap Tesco bleach is powerful stuff from last year when I ended up jumping up and down on a neighbour’s car dressed as fat Elvis.
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Come on, why bother? At this point, the Harry Potter franchise will have pissed out so much money on J K Rowling herself, the ending of it all could have just been, after killing the bad guys, they go to work in Asda where their magic was used to help people find fish on Aisle 5 and everyone wouldn’t have blinked.

Maybe because Warner Brothers need the cash to buy that country they’ve always wanted, we find ourselves hurtling towards the last of the hugely popular Hairy Armpit books only to find that it has been split into two parts, which in a strange sort of way already puts you in the position of knowing you’re going to have to wait to find out what happens later, unless you’ve read the book already of course, in which case, see you all at the checkouts.

But for those of us who have not taken the time to open a book in the last 50 years, we’re hanging on for dear life to find out what happens to Hairy Pothead, Ron Wiggles(The Ginger answer to Wesley Snipes, naturally….) and Heroin Granger, the biggest smart-arse known to exist, who let’s be fair, we’d all like to see stuck in a British Gas call centre in India, trying to explain how your gas bill actually gets calculated.

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More often than not the news focuses on the subject matter that will cause outrage, with that in mind, here are some comments on recent events with little focus nor knowledge of the subject at hand, just like the major news networks do it.

Snow destroys mankind

More important than the building tension round Korea, Snow came to the UK and just like every other time it occurs, our little corner of the globe panics. Jesus Christ, people were not getting their post on time, nor being able to go shopping. Roads were closed, planes were forced to stay on the ground and all the while people were annoyed that once again, cold weather occurred during winter time.

Oh why can’t we continue with everything as normal, when other countries cope with various things etc. Actually the question to ask is, why as human beings are we annoyed so much when our daily routine is basically blown apart by things beyond our control?
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Believe it or not, I’ve shown up behind some bloke’s head while standing with a load of other “addicted” people on this week’s panorama episode, which looks at Video Game addiction;

The programme here basically follows the same predictable pattern of making video games look like a hate crime worse than heroin, pornography and women talking about periods.

As the blurb goes, Panorama hears from youngsters or whatever f**kwits they happen to find who’ve dropped out of school and university to play games for anything up to 21 hours a day.

They describe their obsessive gaming as an addiction, because they have no willpower, or judging from their appearances, can’t get on with what life has handed them, therefore just prefer to hide online.
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Another year passes, the air turns chilly, the news simply reports on snow causing cancer, diabetes or some other disaster, and we begin to deck the halls with the battered violated bodies of our enemies and the odd friend too. Christmas is round the corner again.

Last year, Christmas had a more sombre tone to it for most due to the lows that was 2009 and while most of the activities have not changed, the overall feeling is different. Allow me to illustrate; I had remarked on the events that occur every year at this freezing time, with a fair amount of chilly bitterness, and to a massive extent that does still hold true.

You still worry what to get people, and that if you failed to turn up with anything short of something amazing, like the cure for cancer, or a pair of time-travelling trousers (pull them down to return to the present, everyone knows how they work).What’s this? A jumper to keep the cold out….bastard!

Most of us will still end up attending office parties which are just as painful as being in the office as the same people are there, and perhaps not even the promise of free booze will make the difference now, so you stop pretending to like each other, take out a gun which embedded in the ice fountain and re-enact the opening good bit from Saving Private Ryan. Read the rest of this entry »