I actually don’t care if you are, because I’m a smug b*****d not bothered with the thrilling adventure that is car ownership in London. Instead I’d like to draw attention to a site that all us fellow obese (sorry, we’re just meant to use either the words “fat” or “tubby”, political correctness gone mad I say.) people of the world, I say of the world, as we all look like we’ve eaten one.

http://thejerkyjunkie.tumblr.com/ is a new blog. Another blog clogging up the internet, like all the lard is clogging up our failing digestive systems, you say? Well actually I have no idea what you’ve just said, so I’ll carry on by stating that it’s a new blog, talking about that most coverted of American meaty products; Beef Jerky.

Tis being written by a lady I met once in London, who has seen fit (ha, a pun there if ever I read one) to call herself the “The Jerky Junkie”, whose soul purpose is to review the different products out there on the market and remark on jerky topics of the day, such as consistency of Jerky meat, speak out on the Jerky industry, and jerking o….err…..probably not the last one.

Either way, I do suggest you pay some attention to this one as let’s be fair, given that television, that wonderful medium crushing our intelligence one day at a time, gives us nothing but over the top food programmes, telling us that if we don’t take the time to create a duck dinner you could live in, that can be also nailed to a garden shed and burned to perfection, we’re scum.

It will be blogs like this, that could save us, which is ironic given that all this dirty meat would probably kill us instead.

While it may not be a post containing such wonders as discussion on how to annoy a lady of the evening by refusing her advances, or those pictures used for blackmailing your boss, it does none the less bring up something which doesn’t actually get old for some reason, and yes I’m afraid it’s game related.

GTA 4 came out some time ago, much the amazement and torment of people across the globe, and with it came all sorts of bizzare and downright funny goodies, such as this fine piece of TV making, which more often than not gets missed inbetween all the car driving, shooting, swearing and other safe for kids entertainment we’ve all come to expect and love.

I present to you for your consideration; something from Rockstar which should somehow get a stint on real TV….

Considering what’s on TV these days, I’m amazed there was never a series…..

Given the fact that I’ve been missing, presumed dead after all this time, with only choice nuggets of news here and there, it seems rather appropriate that the next post I actually do write, contains scenes of horror, woe and tips on how not to get your brains eaten. No, it doesn’t involve doing your taxes.

“Paul, you magnificent bas****d!” I hear you cry, “how can I get through life without worrying about writing “Oh boy, was I suckered?” with my intestines while some cheery fellow munches away on that brain I was saving for a rainy day, what we can do about it?” Well my friends, I’m proud to be informing you of a way to find out.

Now, I first learned of this bunch of vagabonds from a copy of SFX in the UK, and because it sounded so bizarre, twisted, and yet still better than the Best Of Chris Moyles on Radio 1 podcast, I started to download them and listen.

And by jove I’m glad I did. I even remarked on the thing on the twitter feed, and you all know how lazy I am to do that sort of thing these days….

What makes it worse or better, is that the whole thing also spawned a tie-in book that is being launched nationally by Allison & Busby on 1st August this year: Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary : The A-Z Guide to Staying Alive. Better than getting another bloody book on how to cook food from Asda in overly-difficult and possibly life-threatening ways by the Smith of Delia….

How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse : RELOADED (not that crap Matrix reloaded rubbish so no worries there) presents us with an interesting question. How to make a second show that actually is not only better than the first which debuted at the Edinburgh Fringe last year, but also doesn’t infringe copyright law?

Well not the last bit (and that was waiting for a done to death joke), but the first part is a good question. It has to be not only educational but follow simple sequel rules like not having those slow walking away from explosion moments, not have a script smelling like a used nappy, remember it’s core values and still only work with a budget of £17.40.

This year I reckon they can. So do they, hence the show!

You see, not only will you learn how to survive the inevitable fight to the death with a select bunch of friends, knowing one of them will get infected at some point, you will actually get the chance to find out how prepared you are…..cue scary organ music in your head as this is text and thus silent.

Now if they could only come with with a tagline better than “Who says sequels are a bad thing?” or “Brain Destruction Guaranteed.”

How about “Buy one get one free” or “This time, the badgers are rising….” Zombie Badgers, we’d all be in trouble then. Maybe that’s one for the next show; “How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse: That one which is miles better than Scary Movie”

So I say to you fellow campers out there on t’internet, if you are around bonnie Scotland at any point you can get tickets to the show which will be on at the Zoo Southside 6th – 29th August (not 17th & 24th, not sure why, maybe they are just wasting time eating KFC) with the show kicking off at 7.45pm

Pricing is £8 or £6 depending on how you look and of course how could I not be a shameless promoter without mentioning the website: www.howtosurviveazombieapocalypse.co.uk Go there and all your answers shall be revealed.

Oh and in case you’re wondering, yes I am a sell-out whore.

Dr. Dale promised me a ice lolly for this and who am I to turn such a thing down. Look, I’ve already know we fat people are the first to go when the zombies come, so eff it, I’m getting some while the goings good!

Suffice it to say I’ve been a busy little bee recently and therefore this poor old portal has again felt like an ugly woman’s naughty area; it never gets a look in. But after Monday, this song certainly will apply.

More is certainly going come…..

A couple of weeks ago when I was back home with the folks, sipping on the finest beer known to us from the fridge, a lovely gem of live television when watching Sky Sports News, to explain I’m not one for watching it that often.

After all, watching people do lots of exercise just reminds me how long I have before a massive cardiac arrest kicks in.

But as I was home with the folks, the afternoon was being spent watching Gillette Soccer Saturday, where lots of men watch football on their own TVs and then tell us all about it, far more gripping on occasion than it actually sounds.

Now most of the time, they are crossing from one person to another, telling you all about all the highs and lows of 22 overpaid toss-rags running round after a bloody ball, but every so often, something wonderful happens;

I thought I’d never see it again, but after seeing a recent episode of “You’ve been Watching” by Charlie “oh dear, he starting to adopt my take on personal grooming” Brooker, where it was once again mentioned, I had to see if it was kept alive on YouTube, and sure enough, it was.

Chris Karama, I salute you!

Rather bizarre that the first post of 2010 is a whimper, with an outstretched hand trying to combine key presses to form sentences that entertain as well as inform but instead failing like the Banking system and therefore bringing the world to ruin.

Because my creative brain is still waiting for the engineer to make it’s call-out after being rang two years ago (Damn only paying for 5 Year SLA for a brain repair), thus stopping the usual pants-soiling trash to start the new year, like a list of things that happened that had no real point to it at all, the best thing I can do is say that I’m very tired already, health still terrible in grand scheme of things, and that I will be back the weekend.

That will be all.

And now to dangle keys in front of you in the absence of any real christmas gift, allow me to inform you about a new service which may not last very long due to legal reasons, despite the fact they say everything is fine about that; http://www.tvcatchup.com

Most of the freeview channels are now available via this service, with the only adverts from the service (so it remains free I assume) showing up when you change channel, though the picture isn’t clever at times, looking like an old Mega Drive game instead (note you have to have a clue what a Mega Drive is to find that funny.).

The sign-up process is free and it must be noted that you still need a TV license to view this service as it falls under watching content live. So at the very least this is something else when other people hog the box to watch Doctor Who, while you can watch other things while pretending to work on that nuclear reactor for next year’s science fair or something. At least until Sky get the site shut down for providing a service you should pay for.

No sooner had I had posted about Christmas, how little things change unless you push it as well as New year being this point where people pretend that things are going to change, a new start if you will than my spies in the underworld in between playing with themselves and throwing pies at the homeless alerted me to point my browser at this foul thought from humanity:

I had no idea it had already started. Sometimes it does make you wonder about the species we’re a member of….

Good December to you all campers, and for those of you still wondering if anything happened aside from getting annoyed by the over hyping of Call of Duty Modern Dustpan and Brish 12: The next insult in November, the answer as far as the blog goes is no. Most other sites on the internet of course tell you differently

So enjoy this piece of video from U-bend which did the rounds during November:

How that makes up for anything over November I have no real idea to be honest, as really it’s just a rubbish attempt to say “Hey Guys, what’s new and have you seen this!?!” to which most people would respond P**s off, you stealing my oxygen.

So much has happened, so little time and so little drive to do anything at all. I suppose more profound things could be written in a witty and downright trouser tickling manner, such is in keeping with previous works here, that the honor of beholding such literary prowess should be kept for another time.

For those wondering, suffice it to say, yes I’m still about, still working hard with nothing to so for it. Business as usual as they say.

Just a day after the post about how expensive Modern Warfare 2 was in a certain chain and how much profiteering was about to occur, it seems the UK supermarkets are coming to the rescue, with Sainsburys for a limited time selling the Xbox and PS3 versions for £26, which even with my bad maths skills works out a lot less than what Computer Exchange was selling it for as of yesterday.

At last, more reasonable pricing I think you’ll agree. Just a shame the PC version once again gets overlooked for such a decrease by the majority.

Also because we live in cash-strapping times with other, perhaps more important things to worry about, we may want to know about other cheap deals on offer that we may not otherwise hear about.

Enter: http://savygamer.co.uk/

This site is updated quite often with the latest deals by all retailers, be an actual store or online distribution via Steam or your other favourite services.

Now go my gaming minions, go and save a wee bit of cash on stuff you didn’t need in the first place!

And Finally: It’s time for a late edit!

Edit: On the way home this evening past the Call of Duty event at Leicester Square in which a few of the crowd were wondering when anyone famous was going to turn up, only for some some scrawny people with a woman sellotaped to their arm to get out of a 4×4. Then came the rude words….

It was at that time that upon hearing said kind of talk it’s just best to go seeing as the best woman I could get sellotaped to my arm had a puncture, I was curious to see if the price was lowered at Computer Exchange, given the news the supermarkets were selling at way under the RRP. Sure enough, already £10 off. Which means now they are only double the price. Progress indeed….