Pray silent, for the tides of darkness draw near, and we see the evil of this world tremble in fear over the onslaught that awaits them.

Their foul stench curdles the milk, their battered shells tell of things you only see in your nightmares, and if you eat one of their heads, you’ll find one of those lovely plastic toy cars you used to only see from Kinder Surprise.

I speak of course….of the EGGMEN.

You may now commence screaming in terror.

Of course the terror part of it all actually means that you will be screaming why the bloody hell did they bother? But give us a chance, we’re more shaky than Michael J Fox right now, but if we last longer than 5 minutes I dare say, it will be a right old show.

You see, us euro people have been neglected for too long, there aren’t that many gaming podcasts which cater for the complete sad f**ks who have nothing better to do but play with ourselves rather than remark on more topical things such as the state of the ASDA down the street or why there is hair growing in the most oddest of places…

Enter our attempt at making a bad statement on the world. With fellow comrades, Phil and Duoue, nothing is beyond our grasp, save the art of conversation, making sense, or even staying on topic.

Come with us now on a jorney through cyberspace….www.eggmen.co.uk

Owing to the fact that this is all static content without the aid of fancy pants video, SFX or indeed that thing called money, use your imagination as we do one of those flashback things that most two part dramas do.

Thrills with tanks…

We all learned more about ourselves…

Several car chases which left us with an overdraft of over £30,000…

The sad loss of the sex scenes with Jessica Biel. They will be missed…

and a cuddly toy! (Everyone cheer!)

With the excitement now at fever pitch, join us for the continuation of this epic saga…

Ok, so the last time wasn’t as fun filled as the pictures above make out, but hey it makes for a cracking opening on another post designed to fill Google with useless results.

Besides, how could you possibly continue on from the last post, which basically blamed the downfall of my writing levels on Everybody Loves Raymond.

Mind you, I never knew the backlash that would result from publicly crying out about my addiction to that piece of televisual crack cocaine. There was only one comment back from James on the blog, but it appears people went out of their way to question my sanity more than usual.

I had no idea that so many despised it’s very existence to the point they would rather spend an afternoon with Golem rather than watch a single 20 minute episode.

“The precious Raymond…”…STOP IT!

With that out of my system, it was time to poke my head from the clouds of the gods and walk amongst the little people, to see what was new, happening, trendy and all those other words that went out in the 1990s.

I took one look and went back to bed. In all honesty the last few days have been more about just staying in, eating vast quantities of Super Noodles, and playing games for 14 hours a day. Granted there have been times where actual work crept in, but in truth, there isn’t an awful lot to report right now.

What it boils down to is the fact I’m trying to save a lot of money right now, and cutting back on the pleasures of life, like:

Hopefully this will all lead to something good, and in the meantime I still have the night school to attend, and those games aren’t going to play themselves. Granted this will lead ultimately to fearing sunlight and wondering what those strange creatures with hoodies are, but I guess that’s the price you pay to be thrifty in these dark financial times isn’t it?

And so ends the post. There was no real point to it other than to update you on the fact I’m still alive. Join us next time when Mr T smashes things over my head while having a panic attack, calling himself “crazy fool”.

You know, people have been wondering of late why Ooh Sometimes seems to be so empty in recent times.

Some say it’s due to the credit crunch that we’ve had to cut back on the staff working on the project. Seeing as it was only the Lord of Leisure who wrote on here, that meant no-one else was actually around. Slight oversight but there we are, it happens.

Others say it’s simply for the fact that Work has been a main catalyst, with work needing to be taken out of hours home, worked on more, then sleep then back to work fresh for the next day, as par well everyone else in London.

To all those, I say neigh, and not because I’m a horse.

It’s been mainly down to that piece of Televisual crack-cocaine, called Everybody loves Raymond.

Yes, thanks to the combination of the “Can’t be arsed” syndrome first diagnosed by Doctors in the late 60s after smoking some crazy s**t and a collection of season length DVDs, the home environment has been a slave to the on-screen antics of the Barone family in pain from the family who live across the street.

Every day has consisted of at least 3 hours of watching the show over and over, and the worst part is I cannot stop, and it’s not getting old. In fact, as the seasons go on it’s getting funnier and funnier, with Robert, the suffering brother coming out with possibly some of the best comedy nuggets of gold I’ve heard since I passed an old man who was singing while p*ssing on a taxi cab.

FOUL TEMPTRESS, THY NAME IS RAYMOND!

(Please note, normal service shall be resumed as soon as I reach season 9)

We’ve all been affected by the events of the past few weeks. Well, some people have been affected in big ways, like only affording two lots of ice cream a day instead of three. And of course don’t forget, we the taxpayers are entitled to go to the banks shareholders meetings and have votes.

You have no idea how tempting that is, seeing as I’m not too far from Canary Wharf, home of the major banks in the UK, and ask to see the chairman of that bank, and wonder what value we are getting for my tax money, and perhaps call a vote of confidence or seven to p**s them all off.

Given the state of the shares on the stock exchange, here is some sound financial advice for those still wanting spend their money on the lottery:

But what if you bought £1000 worth of Tennent’s Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant? You would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle. Sound words to live by, I’m going to start right now.

So after all the hoopla over the wedding over with now, and the nice fact that the Lord of Leisure has returned from the bout of work coupled with Bangalore belly sickness, let’s remind ourselves of some of the events that have been occurring. After all, there have been many things making people cry, and in a strange sort of way, it’s because some bastard in a suit has become the school bully and stolen their lunch money.

The Credit Crunch

Yes, that lovely topical subject, which has literally given all the bankers in the world brown trousers as they hope mummy doesn’t take their toys away. This week of course, we have seen the politicians getting the cheque book out again to bail out more financial f-ups in a vain attempt to get people to start doing the same thing all over again.

The 700 billion dollar pot which is still being decided at the time of writing, as to whether or not to give out, will effectively give over more control of the fund to the US government in terms of assets etc, while safe guarding, err, something.

Europe of course, not to be out done by those pesky yankies, are also trying to conjure up money from thin air. It’s not working because naturally everyone in Europe hates each other, but bless them for trying all the same.

The main problem is: I think it’s not going to solve anything now and what is comes down to is that there is no longer any confidence in the so-called experts who created this mess in the first place, and therefore people are not going to want to place their money in their hands again anytime soon.

People won’t invest, preferring to keep what they have, more money will be insured by the governing bodies of the world, and all the while everything will remain stagnant. Prices will remain high, people do less, and well I guess we will all continue to blame everyone for all of it.

In the meantime, I’ll be at home, playing with myself in various illegal ways as there is nothing I can actually do about any of this, so as long I get to stuff my face full of dirty meat and cider, as far as the Lord of Leisure would be concerned, it’s all good! Only if our way of life is truly threatened, will we rise up. Right now, it isn’t.

Peter Mandelson

Yes, that rat-faced lying t**t is back in office, after our beloved prime minister couldn’t take it anymore and said “I bent over the desk, now take me you manly brute.” Unfortunately I can only think of the undead in this case, simply put, they refuse to stay down, even when they have been killed off more than once for naughty behaviour, just like good old Peter here.

Mind you, this has been more showing up of the whole political system as a whole, forget what you actually did wrong before and how many costly mistakes you make, know the right people and you can do anything you want. The electorate really don’t matter any more except for election time, and who knows when that will be at this rate?

It is hardly surprising nowadays that people have so little faith in what a lot of people are doing who are in power, much in the same vain as above about the whole credit crunch thing.

Don’t you just love politics when it’s shown up for the overpaid boy’s club it actually is?

The Hadron Colander

Remember that great big experiment to find the god thing, where the main scientist thought that if anyone thought the machine would destroy the world, that they were a t**t? Remember the huge rant I had about the entire project, and had the feeling that the experts had no idea what they were doing?

Well, for now, we’ve had a reprieve from the possible abyss of the black hole, thanks to human engineering failing once again!

Yep, the big round thing broke down, and despite calling out the AA to get towed to the nearest garage, the problem seems to be more profound than they thought, and after all the maintenance etc, it won’t be back on until April next year, by which time, they will all be bored, and start wondering why men’s testicles look like the creature from the blue lagoon.

My right foot

And finally, to round off this epic news report, it appears my right foot has gone a bit bad, in terms it dries up and cracks. Anyone got any suggestions on how to fix it? I’ve been rubbing it vigorously but that just gives me dodgy looks on the London Underground.

Has anyone else come across the issue of this little malware being entered on their own sites?

“http://life-tablets.cn/tds/index.php”

basically it’s part of a line of code that gets written to read only files that have index.php, and hell they’ve even just written them randomly around directories on the server. I’ve been trying to keep this under control, even to the point of making the index.php files read-only to all, and still those files get altered.

What I want to know is:

How? and where in China are this f*kers operating from?

This is a genuine appeal, please can someone shed some light on how these people are able to get read-only files re-written?

During the last post about the trip to Estonia and the wedding with various tales of joy and vomiting, you may have noticed a distinct lack of pictures from the momentous occasion.

This mainly due to the wonderful fact that so many people had cameras that it was like a Japanese photographers’ convention. So after about 5 minutes, it seemed pretty pointless to take further photos as I’m pretty sure pictures from everyone else’s cameras would fill up enough for one of those special DVDs with multiple angles, director’s commentary and possible one of those Easter eggs containing a dog humping a toilet.

So if you are truly interested in seeing what went on in picture form, probably until the official account comes out in all good bookstores, why not visit the official wedding web site?

Yes, I can’t believe there is one either.

http://www.steveandkristi.co.uk/photo.php

Enjoy!

Well here we are on day 3 in the icy wasteland formally known as Estonia and once again our intrepid hero is unable to move due to vast consumption of alcohol the night before. Two days in a row and still catching up with sleep from the Wednesday before does take it’s toll on the body and it appears that any movement in the upward direction causes pain.

This general feeling of woe lasted till around 12, when the pain went away just enough to stand up straight, and is instead replaced with a feeling of déjà vu.

“Here we go again.”

And today it was all the difference to move the fat ass out of bed, because today, on the Saturday, Steve and Kristi were getting married, a once (or multiple times, depending on how bad you are at the whole commitment thing) in a lifetime event. There wasn’t much on TV, so why not go?

We ventured onto a handy coach that had been laid out for us to sleep on, or indeed to remark on the Estonian landscape. Lots of people were there, the best man, the families, some other people who I had no idea who they were. And the distinct feeling that we were being driven to the middle of the countryside to be shot like what happened to those chaps in the Great Escape.

Not only that but the sad fact you tend to draw is that Half of Estonia is being rebuilt while the other half is falling to bits. Granted that kind of analysis is cruel to make considering how little of the country I actually had seen, but alas, that’s all I can truly say about it all. And on the plus side, we made it to the country manor without getting shot.

The place where it all took place was a grand place, set by a lake type thing, with lots of trees, paths, it was the kind of place you would envisage Mr Darcy would try to get various ladies knickers off in a ruggish yet long-winded fashion. When we arrived, the bride and groom were busy having their picture taken in the forest, possibly for the police to use as evidence in case the murder didn’t…err….probably shouldn’t have said anything.

We all meandered into the main area where the marriage would take place. It was all done out beautifully, with a three piece, I suppose you say band, playing this grand music out, sort making sure you knew what type of occasion it was.

And then after a while, in which Darren was asked to make sure they hadn’t run away, the happy couple came through, and they both looked a sight. I suppose for the first time, it had actually brought it all home what this was all about. Two people who were going to show this group of people how much they loved each other. It was such a great thing and frankly it was a honour to actually not be ejected from such an event.

Despite the fact no-one knew if to stand up or sit down and therefore there was this odd Mexican wave type thing going before the ceremony started.

I suppose many people would be able to describe weddings in more grand detail, to remark on the grand occasion with more flare, better grammar and perhaps giving this more gravitas than the words here give. But perhaps in the words of this simple man, who has trouble even admitting he has personal habits which make monkeys blush, just the sheer feeling of happiness for both my friends, it was just overwhelming, and you really couldn’t help but smile all the way through.

And then after the dual language ceremony was over, the deed was done. And now the pictures begin!!

Here they were just after, and quite right too, look, that’s what happy people look like!!

And Steve’s family were quite chuffed too…

After being jolly happy, and wishing the happy couple happy birthday due to a lack of actually thinking of anything else, we all made our way outside for many photos, laughing at various things, and at one point looking either scared or something, I wasn’t quite sure. But there we all were, and actually this process did go on for a fair while, so why not have a look for yourself?

Here is a photo of all the Estonian people who were there, or and Steve’s in the picture, well I suppose he had to be considering he was the groom. The throwing of the flowery thing was interesting; you never knew Kristi had such a strong throw.

After all this, we wandered off down a beaten gravel, at which point you did wonder if this was when we were shot, but no. You see in Estonian tradition, they plant a tree to spread roots of the family.

This was also the first time we saw Steve try to do some gardening….

It was also when you discovered why they don’t have a garden in Shrewsbury.

After 17 years of filling in the hole with dirt, the happy couple went up to the nearby bridge and threw in a stone with some writing on, to signify something I forget now. And then after watching Kristi come down the steep embankment in heels, we went back to the house, where the fun went further. (I’m going to skip a part of musical names and get to the good stuff)

You see, it also turns out that there are roles which have to be filled for the wedding. The first, is called a Stamp, and this stamp is a lady who kisses everyone at the wedding, without predudice. Nice. And things became even better for me, because I was the guy who got to judge which lady was the best kisser and who would be suited to the role.

Somebody pinch me.

Yep, the picture needed to be slightly bigger here, such is the level of joy….

And after the lady was chosen, the next role was of security. The bride during the celebration often gets stolen by naughty people who then ransom her back to the groom for something, gold, porn mags, bits of lint, whatever they feel like. Guess who was nominated for that? And having failed miserably at the tasks to decide who should be security, I along with a estonian man, whose name escapes me, became security for Kristi.

It wasn’t pretty.

Other roles included a timekeeper, who shouted out what time it was to do things and a bloke who had to wave a flag around whenever there was something to celebrate, like the bride going missing. The event of which occurred far too many times to the point where I didn’t care, and just danced instead. Oh, there was someone whose role was to make sure people danced, which wasn’t hard actually. Everyone was up for a good time.

Every so often, the Estonians shouted something to make the bride and groom kiss, and it sounded like something else, so I joined in shouting “Ebay, Ebay”. Buggered if I knew what the words actually were. There were things about how much we knew about the couple, a poem type thing to the couple toasting them or something, (There was mention of the groom’s manhood in the first draft, but this was cut because the rest of the table didn’t want it) and there were many toasts, all drunken.

Kristi was stolen a couple more times, all times were ignored, there were nice fireworks which Steve set off, well lit, then ran away from, the cutting of the cake, Steve looking up women’s dresses, more dancing, in fact there were so many fantastic memories that I’m tempted to keep a lot of it all to myself, so at certain points I have a jolly good snigger, and no one else will know.

And in fact perhaps that is the perfect point to leave the party. After such a great day, something which was truly awesome, all this will serve as a reminder that in Eastern Europe, one of the best days two people would have in the couple of people they actually knew was had, and well, who am I to spoil it all out here?

A blogger actually, but we’ll skip that this time.