After getting up on this fine Saturday morning, had some breakfast and a poo (not at the same time), watching a bit of the news, you know how dull people’s lives really are for the most part, I sat down to play some games (yes, instead of going outside into the city streets, with every increasing numbers of ladies wearing less now that the summer is coming). Steam, Valve software’s all singing all dancing money making distribution machine decided I needed to know about this;

Can you feel the dried up old boob that is now the Call of Duty franchise being milked again? 5 maps, three new for 12 quid after the “speical” pre-order price comes to an end. The mind, as they say, is blown.

This is not the first example of people getting overcharged for over hyped rubbish of course, look at the Apple maxipad, where thousands of fan-boys (and ladies in need to keep their underpants clean) went mad for it, only to discover slight problems with it days later with the wireless connection. The world is coming up with more and more pointless ways you can waste your cash.

The sad thing is people will buy it anyway….Come on! What happened to us men, spending our ill-gotten gains after pressing buttons in an office, on prostitutes, yogurt and other naughty items? That reminds me….must dash.

A couple of weeks ago when I was back home with the folks, sipping on the finest beer known to us from the fridge, a lovely gem of live television when watching Sky Sports News, to explain I’m not one for watching it that often.

After all, watching people do lots of exercise just reminds me how long I have before a massive cardiac arrest kicks in.

But as I was home with the folks, the afternoon was being spent watching Gillette Soccer Saturday, where lots of men watch football on their own TVs and then tell us all about it, far more gripping on occasion than it actually sounds.

Now most of the time, they are crossing from one person to another, telling you all about all the highs and lows of 22 overpaid toss-rags running round after a bloody ball, but every so often, something wonderful happens;

I thought I’d never see it again, but after seeing a recent episode of “You’ve been Watching” by Charlie “oh dear, he starting to adopt my take on personal grooming” Brooker, where it was once again mentioned, I had to see if it was kept alive on YouTube, and sure enough, it was.

Chris Karama, I salute you!

So much time has passed and so much has happened. Iceland’s volcanic ash grounding planes, the General Election being called, and Sainsbury’s have finally started doing decent jacket potatoes on lunchtime. But first, I actually have gotten round to writing about something I should have done a long time ago, as usual, nothing to do with events of great importance.

Back in the ancient days of 2009, May in fact, there was a certain posting on here about the fact that I was trying Internet Dating for a month and it was due to a few factors, people had suggested it and well I had figured it was cheaper than going out every night, dressing like something from a GAP advert, but looking like something that was the star in 50’s sci-fi horror films.

Well that fell by the wayside along with other things, and then the site I tried before was trying an extended offer, therefore offering another cheap opportunity to reinvestigate and see what the fuss was about and of course, see if indeed it is a place to contact women in a better way, once in which fat clumps like myself has a chance.

Enter Match.com (with scary Scooby Doo music…)

This is one of the original sites, though it appears there are no end of new sites that have popped up, including one where your friends can stitch you up for show like the pieces of rotten meat we all are. Now you notice that they boost that lots of people now are leaving as couples….oh do they?

So I stuck with this one for the purpose of this, and proceeded to sort out the thing that would sell me to the desperate world.

To say I didn’t spend that much time on the thing would be an understatement. I chose random pictures of me from the blog to use, along with the ye olde Ironing picture from Canary Wharf, as a way of showing, Look at me, look how funny I am, even though you get better laughs from collecting belly button fluff.

That will sell me very well.

My advert words were not entirely original either as they have been hanging around in a similar fashion on this very website’s about page:

The Lord of Leisure desires a lady of leisure.
My Name is Hughes, the self-proclaimed Lord of Leisure, and I’m putting myself out there for the ladies to assess my potential.

So I guess right now, if this small amount of text has peaked your interest, send me a message! Mind you, can someone also explain what bubbly actually is supposed to mean? You can be used as a cleaning device? I don’t know, such things confuse and enrage, then I have a cup of tea and all is right once more.

After that was all cleared, by what is I’m sure some bored f**ker in an office just checking for swear words, I proceeded to start looking for victims. It was really straight forward to start stalking and there are countless numbers out there, even back where I used to live in Shropshire.

Now, I suppose this is just people trying to look their best but it seems there were somewhat alarming consistencies….

• All women now are keep fit fanatics, my, since when were we all so obsessed with walking up mountains, swimming the Atlantic or bugger it, let’s all leap tall buildings in a single bound. If I get out of bed, that’s an achievement these days.
• They are bubbly, what the f**k does that mean, does that mean they burst at some point, can be used for cleaning things? What does this actually mean?!?!?
• They need loyalty, well not a new concept, but one wonders how burned a lot of these women are.
• Next thing, let’s all list hobbies which are “out there” and places they’ve been to, if anything they only mention the most faraway places, as in to say, yes we know about the world and look how much we can spend. I did it myself afterwards, even though I had been to Canada only once ten years ago.
• They have either never heard of books, or apparently have read every known classic to exist.
• Despite listing all their fun to do, it seems that either everyone loves going out to the cinema or staying in with a DVD and wine.

Well, excuse me, but I think you’ll find that’s not a huge push. Could it be that no-one actually wants to say, that most of the time they do nothing and then attempt to sound far more interesting than they actually am?
• How many teachers are on there? Must be a timesaver for them too with all their holidays and marking….
• Their ideal date has a sense of humour, happy to fly anywhere in the world at two seconds notice, overly romantic to the point of being sickening, and also happens to be the world’s strongest millionaire. Well, that’s me pretty much buggered.

Now to be fair there are some fantastically beautiful women on the site, from all over the place, and to be honest you wonder exactly why they are on there in the first place, everyone I suspect has their reasons, most of them bad. But I also suspect there is plenty of money being made as a result of people’s misery.

You can list for free, but truly to contact anyone you have to pay through the nose on Match.com and that can have an effect on who actually gets in touch. At least that is what I am telling myself as I’ve had no responses. None, nothing, natter, zilch, nil points, eff all. There have been profile views of course, but that means nothing at this stage.

Either when I pop up in the old web browser, it turns out I’m actually the creature from Predator which induces vomit from the ladies (something perhaps to add to the profile), or simply no-one is willing to pay for the service to correspond, which kind of defeats the whole lot from start to finish, and then perhaps places the emphasise on people who are willing to pay an extra 10 pounds on top of the monthly charge to let people chat to them.

Even on the internet, people are cheap…or perhaps as well, showing how truly shallow we as human beings are. Given we can just look through pages and move on quickly, I guess that can show what we truly are after, is a bit of crumpet that looks good, and if they have a personality, we can work around that.

So in short, the whole lot has been so far a dismal failure, for one or none of the reasons given in this post. Perhaps there will be the one hit, but right now, the only thing I can say is Internet Dating is crap. Unless you fit every woman’s fantasy, in which case, you wouldn’t be on the websites anyway. Saggy balls.