Boo hoo, why have about 2000 people only got invites to a beta test of a computer game that lots of people seem to care about, and I’m not part of it, I went to all the shows, paid thousands of pounds travelling round the world to turn up in a hotel dressed as Frodo, only to then be laughed at because my ears weren’t real enough, oh the torment, the horror, this is not why millions dies in countless wars so we are denied to play against people who fry in sunlight, but can move and build huge armies using the power of their minds instead.

Christ. That was a long winded sentence.

The thing is, I actually never traveled anywhere looking like a reject from Lord of the Rings, nor paid lots of money like others in the world, yet somehow, I was one of the lucky first few who got to play the first round of the Starcraft 2 beta, and the overjoyed look on my gleeful face having got home after a long hard day of sleeping, you could have used as a Christmas card.

And what would a post like this be without some pictures just showing the fact that I have it and you don’t, like the snide little small minded ba****d I am:

Well aside from the fact that I’ve been able to log onto something that others haven’t been able to, mainly due to the fact that they care very little and have other things to do, what could I possibly tell you about this beta experience of the sequel to one of the very best real time strategy games ever created?

Well, for a start, not a lot. You see, you are effectively thrown in at the deep end of the multi-player only for this testing, with the single player content, the part where most people’s interests will lie firmly remaining out of sight for the time being. You have to create a primary and secondary name to be seen by people, link that to your battle.net thing and then you start pushing buttons to start losing.

I say losing, as that’s what you’re going to do for the first ten matches in either 1 vs 1 or 2 vs 2 because I felt all cocky having got the chance to play and I lost within 4 minutes of playing the first game, as my opponent at the time chose to “rush.”

When I say “rush”, I don’t mean “rush to the bus stop as it’s just pulled up”, or “rush your homework by colouring in different doodles and hope that gets you a pass for History.”

No, I mean “rush” as in build lots of one type of a unit, normally the first one you get to build that has a gun or something, then go to the other guy’s base and destroy everything before he’s had a chance to put down some lovely carpet and do up the kitchen in the command center.

Games like this are a regular occurance at the moment, with one time the excuse given to me when I asked why he just “rushed” was, “I chose a random race, you have to just win when you select random.” Well, the idea of playing against someone is to win, but surely that just means it’s down to whoever builds the one lot of units first and races to your exact location. Like the strategy there.

The other current method of play is racing up the various technology options and then building one huge armada of the big mother f**king ships and the simply fly in and destroy everything. In nearly 4 minutes.

If this type of thing happens 10 times in a row before you can then placed in the special needs league for each type of game, you can bet your bottom dollar, that people are simply going to leave the multi-player content like the first game, where basically the Koreans using every limb possible took over the universe, (well one of them died on the toilet after taking over the universe) and then taking to the warm comforting safety of the single player and then walk away after it’s all done.

The new units, I’ve not really had the time to get to grips with as you have to try them out when you’re playing against a real person, so nine times out of ten, you don’t know at the present moment, what unit is good for what situation, hopefully they all have guns and they hurt the other evil people more than they can hurt me. There is a mode where you can play against the computer, however this mode is so easy to win here, even I can win here. The only way to get better is to play against others.

And that’s only dependent on how long it is before you throw in the towel and go back to w*nking. At least you win in an empty way, every time.