On May 6th, the British public, after gorging themselves silly on the jolly good times that is to come from the forthcoming Royal Wedding at which point it seems nothing else will ever come close to matching in terms of joy if the media is to be believed, will be asked whether they want to replace the existing first-past-the-post system for electing various drunk old farts with money problems or as three people still know them as: Members of Parliament to Westminster with a method known as the alternative vote (which apparently is AV for short, wonderful what things we can come up with these days).

Basically the current voting system some people aren’t happy with due to the election result of last year and they want to see if anyone else actually gives a crap in the same fashion to get it changed. It was agreed that this would take place under the Pirates of the Collation agreement so it was going to happen regardless.

But it seems that generally the vast majority couldn’t give a rats’ ass and are more concerned with what woman from that Essex show they are going to hate the most. Which is why over the past couple of days, more and more literature has been dropping through the post; Read the rest of this entry »

We apologise for the interrupt to your oohsometimes service, it seems that without jokes overly laboured about things no-one cares about, the world has become a far more sinister place. Even the US government only averted a recent shut-down with mere minutes to spare, though it was not over budgets, but secretly they were in talks with the Lord of Leisure over why he hasn’t opened mocked Black Swan and why Natalie Pregman is in every film at the moment.

We feel your pain.

Hence here is a brief look at what will be upcoming over the next couple of weeks, just in case you thought there was nothing to look forward to;
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It’s rather strange to remark on the TV in a country you’re visiting as to be perfectly frank, you often prefer to read about the wonderful buildings, the food or the amount of sh*t being peddled to you as souvenirs. Let’s not even forget the countless opportunities for photos so grating, they cause your gums to bleed.

But given that America exports so much television round the world, much of it very well admired for having better budgets, staff, stars….basically doing things that the BBC can only dream of. OK, America’s got Talent, we don’t want any more off for the love of various gods and you can keep Piers Morgan. Seriously, no backsies. It pays to take a look at it to see what the public in the US are subjected to on a daily basis.

And it does make for some disturbing viewing.

When waking up to the morning television, you have a choice it seems between NBC’s the Today Show and ABC’s Good Morning America, in which both shows go out of there way to cover stories of the most inane manner, designed to make your brain melt. Enter Charlie Sheen.

Yes, it was going to happen at some point that we remark further on this broken human being. We can’t even take him back for a refund, he’s beyond the coverage of the warranty. The phrase “Winning, Duh” became a catchphrase overnight, to the point that the next person to say it as a joke, would be strangled with tin foil. It was an obsession, as every network all bent over backwards to say they had the exclusive interview with the actor who basically p*ssed on his doorstep and then went on a bender the likes of which we’ve not seen since 10 minutes ago. Read the rest of this entry »

This week, in-between the fun and frolics to be had by Charlie Sheen’s lawsuit against Warner Brothers for loosing his job by being a complete gimp, and of course David Cameron’s attempts to show us all on various TV shows that he is a nice bloke after all and not the pirate captain of the good ship “Doomed”, it’s been just a bad week for the Liberians and the Japanese.

The news from Japan seems to be changing so much, that even David Bowie’s Ch-ch-changes song couldn’t keep up, and has meant that all the jokes about Japan stored up to be wheeled out when required, seem inappropriate to use.

Since Friday which brought about an earthquake, which at first, we would have assumed Godzilla was coming to destroy Tokyo again, instead turned out to be the worst earthquake in the country’s recorded history, with hundreds of aftershocks have continued to batter the coast of Japan offering no respite for survivors.

The human cost is feared to be in the thousands with many feared dead in the “Mr. Miyagi” prefecture and 190 people exposed to radiation from one of the many settings for the new series of the Incredible Hulk to begin; the Nuclear plants badly damaged in the aftermath, where cooling failures have meant that in order to ensure that further damage and explosions are limited, either Titan or the Japanese are now pumping sea water into the tanks into the chambers to cool down the “David Banner mad, Hulk smash” fuel rods. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, who wants to hear about the Oscars, or the funny sh*t that Gaddafi’s been saying now? Yeah, well get with the now, it’s all Charlie Sheen we want now! (Seriously why? But that’s for another time)

At the beginning of the year, Channel 4 embarked on a new adventure into the world of topical comedy affairs with various people on the 10 O’Clock show, with which they would battle against the goblins of the news world to burn the one true ring in the lava pool of lies. While telling jokes probably.

The thing was, the programme didn’t get off to a flying start with various comments made by those with various devices attached to the interweb, mainly about how bad it was with the over the top audience, bad set comic set pieces, and not living up to the standards set by the American Import, the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Jon must have called the controller of Channel 4 a rude name as he have been removed from More 4′s schedules (Oh yes, real prime time TV scheduling here) and then put back it seems, which unless you had watched it on a late night after having your arse waxed for a bet while drunk, lived in America long enough in order to have heard of it or googled it as what I had to do the first time it was mentioned, would you even care?

Given that the 10 O’Clock Show has been fighting on, weighing 700 stone and wheezing while smoking 12 cigarettes at once given the lashing it had from the first week, the production team will have had chance to iron out some of the “niggles” as it were, instead of doing something more interesting like seeing what objects we can hold in our folds of fat on our bodies, let’s see what’s changed between then and now.

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Ah the good old days, when nothing other than Isreal (is it real, you have to ask) and the planetariums were fighting over a big pile of mud and concrete walls dominated the news when it came to the Middle East, aside from that other “stuff” in Afghanistan and Iraq, but that’s yesterday’s news granddad.

Now we’re looking at the third of many countries all carrying on what started in Tunisia and Egypt, albeit now with ever increasing human cost.

Half-melted wicked witch Colonel Sanders, sorry Gaddafi was seen this week on the news, while dressed like a Jamaican woman about to cook some gumbo in a 1980′s TV advert, basically blaming everything he could think as to why these silly people were rebelling against his wonderful regime of killing anyone who says “Hang on a moment, are you doing the right thing here chief?” and committing terrorism acts long before we had heard of Osama Bin Lid.

On the list of reasons why it had all gone to pot, he came up with;

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Recent times have been fraught with lies, treachery and deceit of the highest order, and for once I’m not referring to Natsha from Babestation not doing as I commanded for £10 a text.

It seems the whole world is starting to have enough and instead of just staying in their homes, quietly rocking back and forth in the fetal positions, resigned to the fact that they can’t do anything and are doomed, have instead decided enough was enough and been taking to the streets to vent their anger and actually affect political change.

Who knew that when the students of Britain took to the streets in December 2010, annoyed that the supposed good times of paying £3000 in tuition fees and building up huge debts was coming to an end and therefore decieded to take their anger out on windows and a van, would have knock-on effects elsewhere?

For starters, this year we’ve already seen the power of the people in Tunisia, which aside from being a f**king boring place to go to unless you actively enjoy staying in a compound hotel drinking various bottles of liquid s**t to pass the time, it seems that people there finally got annoyed about the silly lack of this thing called freedom which apparently tourists told them all about while gagging on kiddy booze and chasing after camels.
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Recently Channel 4 began it’s new series, the 10 O’Clock Show, now running for a few weeks on a Thursday night, in which we meet our rag-tag fighting farting force from the Alternative Election Special which aired last year and promised to be an excellent mix of news and laughter, but alas, what we ended up with something that was borderline a war crime.

One of the main reasons to watch was good old Charlie Brooker, a man who in the past has looked at countless hours of television news and mocked it beyond compare. It appeared that he was sentenced to the naughty step most of the time, perhaps for drawing a penis on his exercise book, while Jimmy Carr labored through jokes so badly written, he’d been better off dangling his keys instead to get a better response.

Lauren Laverne was the lady of the 4, who you may remember from something off the radio, I think, and the bloke off Peep Show and that, wore a suit and thus completed the ensemble.

Despite the amount of crap on that special and of course after being cleared at the Hague, the powers that be or Zeppotron, took it upon themselves to repeat that formula this year, and so with a mixture of news, comments, pre-recorded material and debates with the occasional f**k thrown in, we go on our epic journey into live TV.

But since it’s broadcast last night, it has received mixed reactions that are extreme one way or the other, that you’d be forgiven for thinking that Channel 4 had either given the public a fresh point of view on the news, or just done a sh*t in your mouth. Read the rest of this entry »

And so it’s that time of year once more, where we even dust off the same santa picture telling you that you should buy things, and that means a festive Ooh Sometimes message to be displayed on the 25th of December to those who are too bored to talk to their families, but unlike last year, there are now better things to watch than RedTube, if the recent episodes of Robert’s web, staring Robert Webb is to be believed. I bet the guys who came up with the name of the show spent literally seconds thinking that up.

First of all, Merry Christmas to everyone today (even those who prefer not to celebrate, remember kids, you’re still getting some days off), hope you got what you wanted or indeed perhaps you just got to spend time with your “loved” ones (yes you only see them when you have to, don’t lie), and if not, just remember, EBay allows you to sell both your crap presents and your loved ones on as required.

Plus this year, stores have extended their returns policy to the end of January. Let’s be fair most of the stuff on sale this year has been sh*t, so let’s all get the money back and get drunk instead.

By the time you read this, I myself as usual will away from sunny or snowy London, back in the Midlands with friends and family, more than likely right now I’m on the floor under the influence of yet more questionable substances, all the time laughing at shiny things. You’d think I’d have learned that cheap Tesco bleach is powerful stuff from last year when I ended up jumping up and down on a neighbour’s car dressed as fat Elvis.
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More often than not the news focuses on the subject matter that will cause outrage, with that in mind, here are some comments on recent events with little focus nor knowledge of the subject at hand, just like the major news networks do it.

Snow destroys mankind

More important than the building tension round Korea, Snow came to the UK and just like every other time it occurs, our little corner of the globe panics. Jesus Christ, people were not getting their post on time, nor being able to go shopping. Roads were closed, planes were forced to stay on the ground and all the while people were annoyed that once again, cold weather occurred during winter time.

Oh why can’t we continue with everything as normal, when other countries cope with various things etc. Actually the question to ask is, why as human beings are we annoyed so much when our daily routine is basically blown apart by things beyond our control?
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