Well done, you’ve reached level 2012, the one where it has that boss that floats around stealing our hard earned tax dollars, remember to use the cheat code to unlock the phone hacking ability to use to gather evidence of his Swiss bank account and you win!

It still baffles the mind what the actual reason is for going out to places on New Year’s, other than the fact that you get the next day off and therefore can nurse that hangover you picked up along with a mysterious stranger with breath that could melt a diamond.

And after you’ve cleared away the debris, sat down in the kitchen and eaten two pigs worth of dirty meat to feel somewhat human once more, the grim reality of everything being pretty much the same, except for the lack of any booze left in the house and the instant desire to make all new promises about everything only to fail about three minutes later.

So Happy new year, and actually in a slight twist to the normal new year’s post from Ooh Sometimes in which we drag out the same stereotypes over and over again as what the new year will bring for all, let’s take the opportunity to write some slightly more constructive and nudge our collective memories as we bid farewell to the year that was 2011 and see how much better or worse 2012 could possibly be as a result; Read the rest of this entry »

All around the world various people have been posting comments and thoughts about the “Bono” of North Korea that is Kim Jong-il, the man who made grey jumpsuits sexy, had a golf handicap which made Tiger Woods change his name to Kitty Twig, and whose love for films forced him to kidnap people, was a bit too ill and died.

Although the main bulk of the comments have all been from Team America, which lets be fair, probably never made it onto his top 10 (it was the heartless portrayal of Matt Damon which apparently was the problem).

Today, North Korean state media, which in terms of accurate, unbiased reporting has come second next to Fox News, have been reporting pledges of loyalty to new leader Kim Jong-un after the death of his father.

The body of Kim Jong-il is lying in a right state….sorry that should have read “in state” in the capital Pyongyang as the public mourning continues in various streets, shops, cars, swimming pools and halls.

Even the state news anchor charged with breaking the news to the overly concerned masses was a shower of tears, if only because there was a gun pointed at her head just slightly off screen, again following in Fox News’ footsteps.

Though of course this is a tragic time for someone probably, there is an upside to all this. Given the sheer amount of liquid spilled over this news by every carbon based lifeform that happened to be in North Korea where there was cameras, surely we could put that to good use and then then airlift it all to Africa to solve the current drought crisis?

Or indeed use the tears to drown millions of puppies, whichever will honour the memory of Great Leader the more. Read the rest of this entry »

During the last week, you would be forgiven in thinking that the world had gone mad. Well, madder anyway. This time last week, parts of London and other cities in the UK were subjected to the type of street violence not seen Jeremy Clarkson made a joke about Mexicans.

At the time, I was out of the country and had only heard minor mentions in passing stating that something was going on in London town, but to what extent, it was not certain. It was only after landing back in Stansted Airport late in the evening, as a number of people awaited the National Express back to merry old London, that things were made clearer by the staff working there.

No-one was travelling to the East End, and a limited service seemed to be operating back to Victoria Coach Station, but exactly what was happening was still a mystery. Upon arriving at Victoria, something unheard of in London awaited to greet us. No taxis, and one bus. It was only for taking a chance with a couple of Indian gentlemen who heading back out west in their van, that I was able to make it back for some rest from the bumpy plane journey.

Turning on the news unleashed the full horror of what was happening.

London was literally burning, and it was hard to actually understand why. It seemed that all sense had left us and in the morning, we’d all be hanging out with Mad Max in the Thunderdome, hoping that Tina Turner didn’t want us killed. A further investigation didn’t yield anything further in terms of the real reason as why a fancy dress shop in Clapham was a target of the mob’s wrath but here’s the cut-down jist of it. Read the rest of this entry »

This weekend is probably going to go down as one of the watershed weekends of 2011 for some, and it would be without a doubt for mostly the wrong reasons.

Before we address the real ugliness of human behaviour that occurred in Norway and also to some extent the media coverage of the tragic events, this weekend we witnessed live the emergency services carrying away the body of Amy Winehouse, who was declared dead aged 27 on Saturday afternoon.

While a post-mortem was carried out today and so far has not come back with an official cause of death, pretty much the odds are unfortunately, that she was back on the Lemsip with a swift pint or 34.

It pretty much sums it all up when various famous folks paid tribute as stating what a terrible waste of talent, something which was echoed here on this site from many moons ago but of course, at the time she was still very much with us.

Russell Brand took time out from being a bearded eccentric gimp to write for the Guardian yesterday about the woman who basically rose up and then fell apart. Read the rest of this entry »

The News of the World may have ceased print but the legend is living on with resignation after resignation coming thick and fast, lots of questions still being thrown at anyone who is remotely connected to the whole phone hacking thing like custard pies to the face, (with one actual pie coming into play), it’s still a fast moving rollercoaster, borderline coming off the tracks. For those of you who have better things to do or indeed have read the amazing book “1001 things to do with a sock”, let us condense down the past few days events once more, which will already be out of date by the time we hit the publish button on this bloody thing.

The main event of today were Rupert Murdoch with his son James appearing before some committee that we’ve never heard of until today, on what they knew, didn’t know, and frankly it’s hard to think anything other that they were asleep at the wheel or perhaps easy to fool, as one question after another basically brought pretty much the same answers over and over again, No I wasn’t aware, No I didn’t know, No I didn’t rape that pineapple, no smoking, no running etc..with the world record for saying “The Company” 347329812 times in 2 hours certainly went to James.

Tom Watson was the main warrior against Darth Murdoch, deflecting several attempts by James The Hutt to answer questions about what was known as time and time again, Tom Watson stated that Rupert Vader was the man in charge of corporate governance for the entire company and therefore responsible. It just wasn’t going to go away.

You knew that certain things were never going be to answered and that was certainly the case for a number of questions, and on some level, they may very well not know that much that was going on, after all it wouldn’t be the first time people lied their asses off to pretend that everything is wonderful right up to the bitter end. Read the rest of this entry »

When it rains, it pours, and right now someone at News International better have a bucket handy to bail out the ever rising tide of brown stuff pouring on them from new heights not seen for generations, and god only knows what the state of the media in the UK will be after all the dust has long settled.

This ever evolving story of lies, treachery and deceit can only be described as the stuff of nightmares to people up and down the country, and still there is ever more that will come out in the days ahead. So given that events have moved apace since last time, and the news only had an earthquake to cover today, let’s recap on what’s been going on, in what some might say is rather boring commentary, and there’s not even much swearing either…

The number of people involved in this whole mess has risen to such a height, that the BBC has dedicated an entire page on their website with a list of people so long, that frankly it’s beginning to make ladies weak at the knees and for men to feel, inadequate.

Even more so, the supposition I made that BSkyB was still going to be bought, just not now right now due to people being slightly upset about their dead loved ones’ phones getting buggered with, took a left turn as News Corp dropped the bid to take complete control of the overpriced then under-priced in terms of shares (well, the crap TV remains overpriced) satellite broadcaster. Well given that there was a House of Commons motion tabled to discuss the whole thing due in a few hours from when the BSkyB withdrawal announcement was made, what else could they do?

But again, the language of the announcement was chosen very carefully, to not exclude them going after it in the future.

Remember that for the majority of all this, you could only feel cynicism with most of the characters invloved?

Well, the bandwagon remains in full swing for now, in addition to the actions being taken in this country, it seems that the FBI, apparently not having much to do these since Jack Bauer retired from blowing crap up to annoy them and Mulder went off to shag women in LA instead of looking over the X-Files, is investigating alleged hacking of the phones of 9/11 victims by the News of the World.
Read the rest of this entry »

If there was any time to come back to writing about the comings and goings of Britain, it would be now. As for as for bloggers who write about the world and the filth within it, it’s Mardi Gras, we’re all dressed up in our Sunday best, snogging anyone who passes by and partying right into the night like we had lives outside of sitting at home crying that no-one loves us, because as most of you know, pretty much as the week has rolled on, there has been just one story that everyone in the UK has been talking about the most and it’s not going to take a genius to work out what that was.

Yes, Dallas is coming back to our screens after JR, wanting a lie-in for a change, dreamt of pie and then woke in the year 2525, where he and Buck Rogers will save the Galaxy from overpriced toilet paper…no wait sorry….it was something else.

The News of the World newspaper came to an end this week in the UK with an almighty crash after it was discovered that people associated with the publication that love to shove tits, tat and terrorism in our weary eyes in recent years, was also “hacking” various phones belonging to well pretty much anyone who is alive or dead.

Even John Paul II stood up from his “nap” and said the paper hacked his holy phone to God, and deleted the voicemail where God asked him to get some milk while he was out in Tesco’s. God was most displeased there was no milk for his Rice Krispies that day. Read the rest of this entry »

Each step has been rehearsed, each flower meticulously arranged, the aisles transformed into a flowering green avenue of trees.

Yes tomorrow will be a great day for people staying in bed and sleeping while the royal wedding takes place in central London, to literally people who have been camped out since last year for a chance to see Prince William and Princess-when-she-gets-hitched Kate ride past.

Yet as the wonderful day comes, at which the vast majority of Brits are simply planning what to do with their day off away from the hoopla, it seems others have other plans to ensure that the event is the spectacle the state hopes it will be, certainly from a financial view, but also one where people forget about naughty that’s currently going on. It also has reminded us that we have a flag, which is also nice not to be seen on fire in Middle eastern countries or being used as makeshift nappies, but just hanging up about the place which makes it all look pretty.

This has come at a massive cost to all, with over 5000 police officers on patrol to try put down any attempts for people to break helpless phone boxes like what happened it seems with every protest in recent history (bast*rd phone boxes, how dare they allow you to make phone calls at a reasonable price!?!), and also it seems every light fitting, bookshelf and oyster card within London have been checked to see if there are bombs in them. People themselves have been stopped for cavity searches to see if they have a digital timer stuck up their naughty bits. Nick Clegg probably will have been sent to Poland to ensure he doesn’t cause any problems too.
Read the rest of this entry »

On May 6th, the British public, after gorging themselves silly on the jolly good times that is to come from the forthcoming Royal Wedding at which point it seems nothing else will ever come close to matching in terms of joy if the media is to be believed, will be asked whether they want to replace the existing first-past-the-post system for electing various drunk old farts with money problems or as three people still know them as: Members of Parliament to Westminster with a method known as the alternative vote (which apparently is AV for short, wonderful what things we can come up with these days).

Basically the current voting system some people aren’t happy with due to the election result of last year and they want to see if anyone else actually gives a crap in the same fashion to get it changed. It was agreed that this would take place under the Pirates of the Collation agreement so it was going to happen regardless.

But it seems that generally the vast majority couldn’t give a rats’ ass and are more concerned with what woman from that Essex show they are going to hate the most. Which is why over the past couple of days, more and more literature has been dropping through the post; Read the rest of this entry »

Nerf.

Not a choice, but a state of mind.

And that state of mind is disturbed, but not for the reason of heavily self-medicating. No, good friends/enemies, That state of mind is disturbed by all the violence currently occurring in the world. What is more disturbing is that we cannot join in with the violence in a family friendly way.

There is talk currently of arming the Libyan rebels to aid them in their fight against Madame Tussauds dummy Col. Gaddafi. But we’re in a recession and the rebels haven’t started selling their oil yet to get real weapons second hand off Ebay. So given these factors, what better way of the rebels of being armed on the cheap, than with a Nerf Nstrike Raider Rapid Fire CS-35 with 35 dart drum and a Nstrike Recon CS-6 with a little red light bulb. Read the rest of this entry »