For anyone in the world right now, you would easily be forgiven in thinking that the reporters and producers at the 24 hour news channels must be masturbating themselves silly over the events of recent times.

Come on, they’re having a whale of a time!

Uprisings in the Middle east, with now an all star cast of US, UK and French war machines up in the air over Libya, a few earthquakes here and there, and now the ruling party in north Sudan warns that its cyber jihadists will crush internet dissent by throwing Angry Birds at various servers. There’s surely nothing that can top this?!?!?!^&*$£”% and other characters.

Oh my poor fools, lest we forget.

We’re in this together as George Osborn, First Mate of the Exchequer tells us and we cannot forget our fiscal responsibilities, as you clearly know, each cruise missile we’re firing in Libya at the moment (you know, while pretending to care about people dying, while Col. Gaddafi makes fart noises with his armpits) is also costing about £300,000 each. Read the rest of this entry »

This week, in-between the fun and frolics to be had by Charlie Sheen’s lawsuit against Warner Brothers for loosing his job by being a complete gimp, and of course David Cameron’s attempts to show us all on various TV shows that he is a nice bloke after all and not the pirate captain of the good ship “Doomed”, it’s been just a bad week for the Liberians and the Japanese.

The news from Japan seems to be changing so much, that even David Bowie’s Ch-ch-changes song couldn’t keep up, and has meant that all the jokes about Japan stored up to be wheeled out when required, seem inappropriate to use.

Since Friday which brought about an earthquake, which at first, we would have assumed Godzilla was coming to destroy Tokyo again, instead turned out to be the worst earthquake in the country’s recorded history, with hundreds of aftershocks have continued to batter the coast of Japan offering no respite for survivors.

The human cost is feared to be in the thousands with many feared dead in the “Mr. Miyagi” prefecture and 190 people exposed to radiation from one of the many settings for the new series of the Incredible Hulk to begin; the Nuclear plants badly damaged in the aftermath, where cooling failures have meant that in order to ensure that further damage and explosions are limited, either Titan or the Japanese are now pumping sea water into the tanks into the chambers to cool down the “David Banner mad, Hulk smash” fuel rods. Read the rest of this entry »

Ah the good old days, when nothing other than Isreal (is it real, you have to ask) and the planetariums were fighting over a big pile of mud and concrete walls dominated the news when it came to the Middle East, aside from that other “stuff” in Afghanistan and Iraq, but that’s yesterday’s news granddad.

Now we’re looking at the third of many countries all carrying on what started in Tunisia and Egypt, albeit now with ever increasing human cost.

Half-melted wicked witch Colonel Sanders, sorry Gaddafi was seen this week on the news, while dressed like a Jamaican woman about to cook some gumbo in a 1980′s TV advert, basically blaming everything he could think as to why these silly people were rebelling against his wonderful regime of killing anyone who says “Hang on a moment, are you doing the right thing here chief?” and committing terrorism acts long before we had heard of Osama Bin Lid.

On the list of reasons why it had all gone to pot, he came up with;

Read the rest of this entry »

ARRRRRRR! A pirate’s life for me yo ho! That’s the sound to be heard, should you wander past Westminster right now as the Pirates of the Coalition set sail on the seas to plunder us folk of our hard earned cash, rape our wenches / actual girlfriends and then off back to their fort to drink merrily and tell each other of their wonderful adventures. Well, I say tell each other, they are in fact just doing it openly on the news for all to see.

This week, Dave Cameron’s mission, the Big Society in which the idea behind it is that we the people take over from the Government from the local running of various things like swimming baths, libraries and ice cream vans, show them how it’s done and make Britain the besty, bester than you, bestival best ever place in the world ever by bringing us all together in harmony and where we give our help to make it better for all. At least, that’s what I think he meant.
Read the rest of this entry »

Recent times have been fraught with lies, treachery and deceit of the highest order, and for once I’m not referring to Natsha from Babestation not doing as I commanded for £10 a text.

It seems the whole world is starting to have enough and instead of just staying in their homes, quietly rocking back and forth in the fetal positions, resigned to the fact that they can’t do anything and are doomed, have instead decided enough was enough and been taking to the streets to vent their anger and actually affect political change.

Who knew that when the students of Britain took to the streets in December 2010, annoyed that the supposed good times of paying £3000 in tuition fees and building up huge debts was coming to an end and therefore decieded to take their anger out on windows and a van, would have knock-on effects elsewhere?

For starters, this year we’ve already seen the power of the people in Tunisia, which aside from being a f**king boring place to go to unless you actively enjoy staying in a compound hotel drinking various bottles of liquid s**t to pass the time, it seems that people there finally got annoyed about the silly lack of this thing called freedom which apparently tourists told them all about while gagging on kiddy booze and chasing after camels.
Read the rest of this entry »

Forget the fact that following the horrific event at one of Moscow’s Airports where someone thought it would be jolly nice to explode, given that there was nothing good on TV, and he also needed to cancel the milk.

It seems that the news for tonight at least has been more concerned by the sacking of Andy Grey, following both his and Richard Keys, or Chewbacca’s hairy sister’s off air comments about women in football. (Ok, before you fall asleep due to it being about football, please hold, there is a point)

Or so you would think they were off-air. In fact, here’s Sky News’s compilation of the offences in question;

Read the rest of this entry »

Recently Channel 4 began it’s new series, the 10 O’Clock Show, now running for a few weeks on a Thursday night, in which we meet our rag-tag fighting farting force from the Alternative Election Special which aired last year and promised to be an excellent mix of news and laughter, but alas, what we ended up with something that was borderline a war crime.

One of the main reasons to watch was good old Charlie Brooker, a man who in the past has looked at countless hours of television news and mocked it beyond compare. It appeared that he was sentenced to the naughty step most of the time, perhaps for drawing a penis on his exercise book, while Jimmy Carr labored through jokes so badly written, he’d been better off dangling his keys instead to get a better response.

Lauren Laverne was the lady of the 4, who you may remember from something off the radio, I think, and the bloke off Peep Show and that, wore a suit and thus completed the ensemble.

Despite the amount of crap on that special and of course after being cleared at the Hague, the powers that be or Zeppotron, took it upon themselves to repeat that formula this year, and so with a mixture of news, comments, pre-recorded material and debates with the occasional f**k thrown in, we go on our epic journey into live TV.

But since it’s broadcast last night, it has received mixed reactions that are extreme one way or the other, that you’d be forgiven for thinking that Channel 4 had either given the public a fresh point of view on the news, or just done a sh*t in your mouth. Read the rest of this entry »

More often than not the news focuses on the subject matter that will cause outrage, with that in mind, here are some comments on recent events with little focus nor knowledge of the subject at hand, just like the major news networks do it.

Snow destroys mankind

More important than the building tension round Korea, Snow came to the UK and just like every other time it occurs, our little corner of the globe panics. Jesus Christ, people were not getting their post on time, nor being able to go shopping. Roads were closed, planes were forced to stay on the ground and all the while people were annoyed that once again, cold weather occurred during winter time.

Oh why can’t we continue with everything as normal, when other countries cope with various things etc. Actually the question to ask is, why as human beings are we annoyed so much when our daily routine is basically blown apart by things beyond our control?
Read the rest of this entry »

During the course of last week, the US people went to vote for various people to sit in big buildings and do stuff on behalf of them, or get embroiled in various scandals, you can never be sure as an outsider looking at it all.

This series of events is known as the “midterm elections”, not only as it falls within 2 years of the President being elected to the Office starring Ricky Gervais, but it also allows people to demonstrate their approval or disdain for the administration’s record to date.

It reached number three in the charts. (Cue drum roll and groans)

Across America, the Republican party, now fully removed from the likes of Karl Rove (or the emperor from Star Wars) and Mr. Bush jr. who apparently has been speaking recently to promote his new colouring book about the time he said the Iraqis were all pussies and decided to go after them or something, seems to have retaken part of the hill where the important buildings stand in Washington, the House of Representatives, which apparently is a delightful three bedroom terrace with on-suite bathrooms.

They also stole a number of Senate seats, which the police are currently investigating because no matter what the price of furniture is risen to given the current economic climate, that’s no excuse for stealing.
Read the rest of this entry »

I suppose it’s been a funny old week, reflecting on various things of import, the most important of which I didn’t actually pay attention to, owing to spending too much time playing Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, and laughing at the notion that Stephen Hawking is simply referred to by some as “the wheelchair guy.”

The Pope came to visit the UK on a £12 million jolly, meaning lots of people got jolly upset about the whole thing costing lots of money and asking why should we care? The Richard Dawkins signal was shown in the night sky over London, ensuring that all were rallied to distribute condoms, pelt the Pope Mobile with copies of the Atheists’ Guide to Christmas, and install chastity belts on the under 7′s.

The end of that scrolling link from Sky news is: “underpants in the wash, can someone dry them and send them back via air mail?”

The first real tiding of holy doom was cast when Corporal Walter Kasper (not the friendly Ghost), one of the Pope’s senior advisers, pulled out of the trip earlier this week. Apparently he withdrew from the jolly after comparing Britain with a “third world country” and made a reference to the nation’s “aggressive new atheism” during an interview with a German magazine (Uber Allis probably, come on, let’s keep the second world war stereotypes alive!!)

Read the rest of this entry »